Date: 03/08/2011 5:17 AM Title: Another Time
I have read something along those lines in a zine before, but never treated quite that way. It shows that each writer always has something new to bring! :) I like your ideas and the directions you brought the story. Spock thinking furiously while Jim is talking, not hearing a word, and fighting the pull toward the oasis of coolness that was Kirk... oooh, that was nicely done. It could use some polishing of the dialogues to make them flow more naturally, and fine-tuning the character's reactions, but generally speaking, it still worked rather well. Where it needs improvement, as others have pointed out, is especially in the form. The inverted quotation marks were distracting, there seemed to be sudden shifts from one character's POV to the other that sometimes left unclear who was thinking or talking, and I noticed a few factual and terminology mistakes. For instance, saying that Spock was exhausted after his Plak Tow, while it was only regular Pon farr - he'd have been a mindless beast if he'd reached that stage, and clearly he was still far from that, and "melt ing points" instead of "meld ing points". A good beta would be invaluable for that. There's a reason they say two heads are better than one! :-D I believe you have very good potential as a writer. This story gives me the feeling that you invested yourself in it, and that's the best sign in my eyes that identifies a new writer worth keeping track of, versus the ones I won't waste my ime with. Keep writing, and we'll be happily be there to read!
Date: 03/06/2011 8:25 PM Title: Another Time
I agree with Crossroads Wanderer....about the spelling and grammar...but I enjoyed the different direction you brought the story...plus you do a great job showing what Spock is feeling towards Jim and the pon farr that is consuming him..A beta is a great idea...Good luck in finding one. Thanks for sharing..
Date: 03/06/2011 7:55 PM Title: Another Time
Not bad, though I think you should look into getting a beta. There is some strange punctuation and some of the spelling and grammar could use work. It looks like this is your first story, though, so it's not a bad start.