Date: 11/04/2014 3:25 PM Title: Chapter 7
Good chapter! I can't truly buy the idea that Spock is protected by Sarek's diplomatic immunity from the consequences of what he did to Kirk, although I can imagine there is an agreement or treaty of some kind between Vulcan and the Federation that might cover situastions like this.
It doesnt go into it but i was basing it on the idea that as his father was a diplomat his immediate family also fell under the umbrella of diplomatic immunity. i cant really see Vulcan letting the federation about Pon Farr as it is their dirty little secret. Thanks for reviewing the next chapter will be up on sunday
Date: 11/04/2014 3:22 PM Title: Chapter 8
I know I've alredy said this, but this ws the best chapter yet. :-) I know Kirk is afraid of Spock, but I am seeing subtle signs, in your writing, that he is coming to terms with what happened. Maybe I am too optimistic (I haven't read the earlier version of this story), but I have hope. Thank you for continuing to post.
Thank you for reviewing, I'm glad you enjoyed it. the next chapter will be up on Sunday.
Date: 08/18/2014 2:26 AM Title: Chapter 5
I'm glad Uhura is helping everyone make sense out of what happened. It's a good narrative choice to have her provide the relevant information to the other officers.
It is not that the shifts in point of view are confusing. It's just that have three or four different points of view -- that is, three or four different narrators -- in one paragraph, or two in the same sentence, really breaks the smooth flow of the story. It's like having too many voices try to tell the same story -- the risk is that the result will be a cacophony.
And I do agree with your reviewer Romanses about the "author's notes." For example, take this sentence: "For Christ's sake man get that beast down to the brig and away from Jim." Snapped McCoy causing Jim to look at his friend in relief that the man was still alive and uninjured (as the doctor's wound was already healed by the medical team)." I think i understand why you put the note there -- Kirk doesn't know that McCoy was hurt, because he looks uninjured. Kirk doesn't know that in fact, his injury had already been healed by the medical team. And I agree, it's difficult to get that point across without having the "authorial voice" break in and tell us that Kirk didn't know McCoy had been injured etc.
That's why narrative choices should be planned and thought out. It's perfectly legitimate to tell a story through an "objective" authorial voice -- an omniscient narrator, if you will. It's also perfect legitimate to tell the story through the voices and perspectives of the characters. But it's really difficult to try to do both without seriously muddling the narrative and losing dramatic coherence. A really, really good writer, like Killashandra, can write from the perspective of an "objective" narrator who dips in and out of the minds of the characters. But that's rare.
Since the paragraph I quoted was "told" to us by Kirk, as was the paragraph that preceded it, I think you could consider a solution that didn't require an "author's note." For example:
"For Christ's sake man get that beast down to the brig and away from Jim," snapped McCoy. Hearing his friend's sharp voice, Jim turned to look at him, the pain forgotten for a moment, thankful that McCoy was still alive. He was surprised and relieved to see that McCoy looked uninjured."
In that option, the reader doesn't get the explanation from the author, but perhaps she doesn't need it, because you have already told us about the work of the medical team. And, you haven't said that McCoy was uninjured, you've told us only (through Kirk's eyes) that McCoy looked uninjured to Kirk.
Another way is to use dialogue to give us the explanation:
"For Christ's sake man get that beast down to the brig and away from Jim," snapped McCoy. Hearing his friend's sharp voice, Jim turned to look at him, the pain forgotten for a moment, thankful that McCoy was still alive. He was surprised and relieved to see that McCoy looked uninjured.
"Are you all right?" he asked hesitantly, remembering Spock's violence, wondering if McCoy had been hurt in ways that didn't show.
"I am now," McCoy retorted, "but only because my medical team spent half an hour treating the damage done when that madman punched me in the face."
I'm not trying to suggest how you should write, but only trying to explain why I think this would be an even stronger story without the frequent shifts in POV and author's notes. You have asked for reviews, and I do want to oblige, so I apologize if this is not the kind of feedback you are looking for. I agree with Romanses that it is impressive that you are rewriting your stories!
Date: 08/11/2014 5:02 PM Title: Chapter 4
This chapter is heartbreaking. Unlike the Spock of TOS, who struggled so hard against the fever ("Lock me away ..."; "I will do what I must, but not with him") and at the end, said that he would submit himself to the authorities for punishment, this Spock seems to think he can avoid the consequences of his actions, and even that Uhura will understand, Looking forward to seeing more about his reasons!
Spock is still not thinking clearly plus this spock is much younger than the tos version and so has less control over all. He also wants to stay with jim and it is the only reason that hhe will be spared any punishment. Thank you for reviewing.
Date: 08/11/2014 4:59 PM Title: Chapter 3
One question I have is, who's telling this story? Who is the narrator? It seems to be both Kirk and Spock, with the point of view switching rapidly between the two. For example, there are many places in which we see and hear Spock from Kirk's point of view, and then Spock says something which is followed by his internal "voice," in italics. I think that perhaps (this is just my opinion since I am guessing about your purpose, as the author of the story), this chapter and others would benefit from more clearly defined shifts between Kirk's telling the story from his point of view, and Spock's telling it from his point of view.
The reason I say this is that I am guess that in your story, Spock is so overcome by the fever of pon farr that he can't think logically and rationally, and that he is so out of his mind that he doesn't really know he is hurting Kirk and that Kirk doesn't want him, doesn't share the sense of being bonded to him. It would be great if we could see more of what's going on in Spock's head so it would be clear that he's really crazed with the blood fever. When he see the scenario from Kirk's point of view, we don't see any of that. It looks as though Spock thinks he is behaving rationally and logically. In fact, I'm a little confused in places about exactly what Spock does think. It seemed that for the first few episodes of forcible rape, he honestly thought Kirk should just accept it and that everything would be OK if he would just stop struggling. Then he sees into Kirk's thoughts and realizes what Kirk really feels. I know he is remorseful on some level, but I don't see him really struggling very hard to keep himself from raping Kirk over and over. Perhaps if we could really see into Spock's mind and see that he is so deep in the plak tow that he cannot help himself?
There is various P.o.V's in this story so sorry if they come across as confusing. There will be more about spock's side to the pon-farr over the next few chapters.
Date: 08/05/2014 1:25 AM Title: Chapter 1
Hello. I REALLY admire your desire to revisit your past work for the purposes of improving it! So few writers have the guts or desire to do that. Because you have expressed a sincere desire to improve, I will return the favor and give you the BEST, most honest piece of advice I can give after taking a peek at what you have: IF you are TRULY sincere about wanting to improve your writing, you MUST find the will to secure the services of a beta reader. Not just any beta, but one who REALLY knows writing. If you choose not to, you will continue to make some of the same mistakes over and over. Two right off the bat would be things like continueing to write "prostrate" when you mean, "prostate". Another thing you tend to do that you will NOT find in good writing, is the continued use of "author's notes". That is when you write a sentence and then insert something like, "(read, boring)" in between the words of the sentence. That is a mistake and you really should scrub your story of all the places where you do that.
Never forget that a competent beta reader is there to help your and your writing get to where you want to go. You can't fix what you don't know, and you are allowed to not know everything as you go along your writing journey. ; )
Best wishes to you and your story. You deserve to find a decent beta who will help you grow and give polish to your work - just like the vast majority of the elite writers of any fandom have!
Thank you for reviewing, i will take on board your ideas.
Date: 07/27/2014 2:24 AM Title: Chapter 2
Oh, no! I hadn't read the previous version, so this came as a surprise. Wondering how they can ever get past this. I will stay tuned, of course, Thanks for posting on such a regular schedule!
Thank you for reviewing.
Date: 07/20/2014 3:58 PM Title: Chapter 1
I'm hooked on this story. I can't wait to see where it goes from here. Hope you post the next instalment soon.
I will be updating once a week on a sunday (though the last two times it was at about four am in England when i did so) thanks for reviewing and i hope you enjoy the next chapter.
Date: 07/20/2014 10:33 AM Title: Chapter 1
It`s very good.
A good idea to rewrite it.
I had liked your first version and this one is going to be better. ;-)
Thanks for reviewing I really appreciate that you think that this version will be better (i have crossed my fingers that it will be).