Date: 10/19/2017 7:09 AM Title: Chapter 8
I love that Spock is going to train Jim and it'll be interesting to see how that will work out for them.
Also, your work is fantastic, so please don't let anyone get you down with their negativity.
Thank you, especially because right now is a stressful time since I just started my freshman year of college a few months ago and I have a bunch of midterms coming up. And I’m excited to meet another Black Butler fan! I was Grell for Halloween last year
Date: 10/18/2017 4:01 PM Title: Chapter 8
Please, it is difficult to understand the prose when you use the grammar illiteracies?
Example: " I'll even right you a glowing recommendation to let you skip a year if you do well enough."
Does one typo really have that much of an impact on the quality of the actual story? If you’re just going to be rude and insulting, then don’t read my work
Date: 10/01/2017 4:31 PM Title: Chapter 4
C'est bizarre. Like some kind of vampyre story? I have succumbed to the absurd internal logic and now you have my willing suspension of le disbelief and je suis abandonment tu le tale.
“Please, it is difficult to understand the prose when you use the grammar illiteracies?”
I’m sorry if I make a mistake, but you’re not perfect either.
Date: 10/01/2017 4:09 PM Title: Chapter 2
Le Spock he is a vegetarian, not a katra eater. LOL.
What does this mean, "SPOCK: To say that I eat katras is somewhat of an exaggeration, father. I take them within my mind to gain knowledge, then I release them to their own vessels where they remain forever."
The Spock merely 'sucks' on the Katras awhile??
What are these vessels where they remain forever?
Humans do not have the Katras.
Date: 10/01/2017 3:57 PM Title: Chapter 1
Why is it that you are presenting this in the form of a Script Transcript? I do not understand why you would do this. All emotional nuance is lost. There is no authorly direction given. There are mere words without instruction as to how they are to be read, said she, in some frustration. This is Authorly instruction, yes?
Was the intent to have a dialogue driven narrative? The dialogue-driven narrative, she is able to be had without resorting to paring everything back to the level of a script, no?
I would suggest you rewrite this Chapter as I am certain it does not convey that which you want it to. Unless of course, you wish to remove all writerly nuance? To remove all trace of an author's influence from the discourse and to leave bland words without authorly opinion given, said she, hoping understanding would break through these fpreign words she struggled with.
That. Writerly instruction.
Also, there are plot irregularities. Another reviewer has covered these, I do not need to repeat. I was confused from the first sentence, "I have heard from outside sources that there is a plot from the Klingons to attack the Federation soon enough, and my daughter is gaining too much popularity for her own good. "
Also, humans do not possess a Katra.
"Humans were known to not possess a katra and thus their minds were not capable of being held by a Keeper."
Date: 11/28/2014 5:08 PM Title: Chapter 4
Interesting scenario. I like this narrative format better. I don't blame Jim for feeling sickened by Spocl's katra-addiction! If he can absorb only one katra at a time, why would he choose Uhura, who is still pretty young? He is not going to get her katra for many years. I woud assume.
A picky point: You have Spock thinking to himself, about Jim: "his muscles strong and skin rather tanned from being out in the sun for hours a day." Spock couldn't know, at this point, how Jim got his tan or how many hours a day he was out in the sun. At this point, Jim hadn't even been introduced as the gardner. Spock thought he was in charge of the servants. It would be better to show Spock wondering how Jim got his tan.
He can only absorb one at a time when he is bound to someone's katra. I know my writing sometimes has plot-holes, but that's mainly because I know I'm not the best writer. I just kind of put stuff down as it comes to me, so... I do what I think of when I think of it. And Jim is in charge of the servants, or he was until Spock arrived, because he is the President's personal aid. The hours in the sun thing would make sense if you consider he is part human and has intuition, especially since he's blonde, or blond-ish. Besides, it's California. How many people are pale in California anyway? It's practically sun 24/7.