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Reviewer: ayameshimitsu Signed starstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: 11/26/2015 1:09 PM Title: Chapter 1

The beginning is too dialogue heavy. It needs more descriptions, eiher facial or gesture wise to help balance that out. Jim's frustration that his father was brought up, Spock being smug, it tells alot about what their feeling and I feel if I hadn't watched the movie this would not have been conveyed at all and lost within all that dialogue.

Second, Jim's speeches needs to be broken up into paragraphs. It can still be one long speech just at the end of the paragraphs you don't put a quotation mark because he's still speaking. Such large paragraphs change topics that should have its own paragraph in addition make it strenuous on the eyes and tedious to read.

Third, just more description in general.

Fourth, I think it would be beneficial to show what Spock is feeling (whether dropping the smugness into a Vulcan mask or showing anger in his eyes). Jim has just accused Spock of emotionalism, that the commander thinks very little of humans, that the commander had made assmptions, and is extremely prideful. I other words, he accused Spock of not being Vulcan. He even questioned to his face if he was Vulcan. This topic has always been Spock's trigger as Spock often tries to state he is Vulcan and usually does not like admitting his human faults or thathe has them at all even while joking around with the captain and doctor in TOS. Jim has just humiliated him in front of the academy wth these accusations and showing Spock's reaction or lack thereof would do greatly in making the story better.

Lastly, the argument was good, but there are some holes in it. Unless Jim had looked at the missing code before hand, there is almost no possible way for him to know that the klingon shields would be down unless the conditions before the deleted code had been an if-then statement stating that if te klingon shields were hit by this type of attack or were at this percentage, then the shields would go down and the then was taken out or changed to "then the percentage of the shields would remain uneffected"  So unless that was glaringly obvious and the entire section wasn't taken out, he would not be able to know that it was the shields before hand or guess with such certainty. There was something else in the logic, but I can't remember. 

This is just my own theory and not really on your writing stye but I think a better arguement for him would have been that the test is a cheat because there is no way to win and is teaching cadets not to look for a way out in certain death, too accept their fate and not look for a way out. There is an expression "to cheat death". To find a way out despite there being no hope. There are a set of parameters a captain must deal with in the field, but if the parameters means losing a certian type of game, then change the game where the parameters are either meaningless or not as much of a factor. Change the game from Spades where the type of hand you have matters to Poker where you can bluff your way to victory. Esentially, that is what he did. Using the laws, codes, and regulations as the laws of physics and what could actually be done out in space in reality of what he could work within, he changed the game so he could win fair and square.

You could still use the arguments you made with it though I think its kind of low that Kirk made that many accussations about Spock even if Spock was low to use his father, though in Spock's defense he probably didn't realize that was a sore spot for the cadet.

The story and concept is interesting, and I wish for you to improve. As part of my criterea for reading a story, I look for stories over a certain word count per chapter as it gives me an idea of how well a story is written. Yours meet the conditions and there are too few stories that isn't a one shot and is over 3000 words a chapter. I rather you not stop writing despite this review or hate me for it when I only wish for you to continue growing and get better.

That being said, there is waaaaaaay to many warnings in the beginning of this chapter. You put them in twice. One warning is sufficient. In hindsight since it was repeated, it was probably an error.

The good thing is your spelling is fine and so is the grammar. I can't say that about my own story cause no matter how many times I check, something always slips by me. (might be cause I update at 4 am ... nah). Though if you need help with Vulcan the VLD has always been my friend. Takes a while, but worth it.

Like I said, don't stop writing. Keep updating. And don't get discouraged. You got a decent thing going, and you can make it even better.

Reviewer: Sera Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: 11/25/2015 9:57 PM Title: Chapter 1

That's an brilliant start. ;-)

I'm hugged. ;-)

Reviewer: SORAL179 Signed [Report This]
Date: 11/25/2015 4:27 PM Title: Chapter 1

Mmh an interesting deposition of logic and a good explanation of how JT Prime might have got round the test

Reviewer: Nightshade sydneylover150 Signed [Report This]
Date: 11/25/2015 3:45 AM Title: Chapter 1

I can't wait to see what happens next!

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