Ah'm frum Yorkshire, where wi say what wi mean and

wi mean what wi say. For you 'mericans Yorkshire is

to England what Texas is to 'Merica - only better.



Reet, that's got thi' introductions aht u't way, lets get t'good

part.



Ah've 'eared as 'ow tha's aal interested in smutty stories abaht

startrek written in diffrunt langwiches, like, and ah can see tha's

'ad none written in Yorkshire so 'eer goes. If tha's anything t'say

abaht it, that'll be champion.



Pon Farr wi'out a lass (K 'an S wi' mucky bits)



Kirk an' Spock are on thi' tods in one of them Shuttlecrafts, and

it breaks dahn on a planet, like. It's a rotten planet an'all, it's

bloody parky for a start and it's coming dahn in stair rods. So

they 'ave to 'ide in a cave.



Any road there's no one theer but them twos, an' bugger me if

Spock dunt start wi' t'Pon Farr.



What a to do! There's no lasses for lightyeers arahnd and they's

neither of 'em queer like but after a bit Spock can't tek 'is eyes

off 'is captain's arse -- like two 'ard-boiled eggs in a hanky, it is.

So 'ee says, "Jim, ah've come all over peculiar, like. Is there

any chance of thee and me having a bit of how's your father?"



Well t'captain's gobsmacked. There's nowt u't laddy lass abaht

'im. Ee's got muscles on 'is spit and 'ees 'ad more girlfriends

than you can shake a stick at. Some folk reckon as how

best part of t'galaxy is populated wi' 'is owd girlfriends, funny

looking lasses they are too, got the weirdest 'airdos an'all.



Any road out, Spock is gaggin' for it bi now, so he says, "Look

will thi or won't thi? Ah've got to do summat sharpish and as

far as Ah can see, lasses round 'ere are rare as rocking'orse

shit."



Well, t'captain 'as a think like and 'e thinks. " Spock's been a

reet good pal to me. If it worrn't for 'im Ah'd 'ave been a dead

'un donkey's years ago. Ah can't say Ah fancy him, Ah've seen

more meat on a butcher's pencil, but on t'other 'and Ah don't

want t'poor owd bugger to kick t'bucket." So he says, "Tha's on,

owd lad."



So Kirk drops 'is kecks and they lies dahn on't floor like, even

tho it's all mucky and they do.... well, tha knows full well what

they do and they likes it, so they dus it agin t'other way rahnd.



An' when McCoy arrives wit' th'Enterprise he knaws what thiv bin

doin' an all and 'ees pig sick 'coz he'd noticed them bloody

'ard-boiled eggs months ago and was hoping for a go 'issen



T'End





Personally I was gobsmacked anyone actually read all the way

through. However in response to popular demand (well, two

of them) a translation from the original Tyke.



>If tha's owt t'say abaht it, that'll be champion.



If you care to comment, that would be wonderful



> Pon Farr wi'out a lass (K 'an S wi' mucky bits)



Pon Farr without ladies present (K/S NC-17)



> Kirk an' Spock are on thi' tods in one of them Shuttlecrafts, and

> it breaks dahn on a planet, like. It's a rotten planet an'all, it's

> bloody parky for a start and it's coming dahn in stair rods. So

> they 'ave to 'ide in a cave.



Kirk and Spock are on their own in a Shuttlecraft and it suffers a

mechanical failure on a planet. The planet is most unpleasant,

for one thing it is extremely cold and for another it is raining

very hard. So they take shelter in a cave.



> Any road there's no one theer but them twos, an' bugger me if

> Spock dunt start wi' t'Pon Farr.



Anyway, they are alone and what a surprise! Spock goes into Pon

Farr.



> What a to do! There's no lasses for lightyeers arahnd and they's

> neither of 'em queer like but after a bit Spock can't tek 'is eyes

> off 'is captain's arse -- like two 'ard-boiled eggs in a hanky, it

> is. So 'ee says, "Jim, ah've come all over peculiar, like. Is there

> any chance of thee and me having a bit of how's your father?"



Consternation! There are no ladies in the vicinity and neither of

them has homosexual inclinations but after a while, Spock's eyes

gravitate towards his captain's posterior -- struck by its

resemblance to two hard-boiled eggs in a hankerchief.

"Jim," he says. "I am feeling more that slightly unwell. What

would you estimate to be the odds of you and I engaging in

sexual congress?"



> Well t'captain's gobsmacked. There's nowt u't laddy lass abaht

> 'im. Ee's got muscles on 'is spit and 'ees 'ad more girlfriends

> than you can shake a stick at. Some folk reckon as how

> best part of t'galaxy is populated wi' 'is owd girlfriends, funny

> looking lasses they are too, got the weirdest 'airdos an'all.



The Captain is shocked. He is by no means effeminate. He is

very well muscled and has had more lady friends than can be

conveniently enumerated. Indeed, there are people who believe

that the galaxy is largely populated by Kirk's former lady

friends, somewhat odd-looking ladies notable for their bizarre

coiffeurs



> Any road out, Spock is gaggin' for it bi now, so he says, "Look

> will thi or won't thi? Ah've got to do summat sharpish and as

> far as Ah can see, lasses round 'ere are rare as rocking'orse

> shit."



Be that has it may, Spock has became desperate. "Can I have

a decision please?" he says. "The matter is becoming urgent

and there is a marked shortage of female alternatives in this area."



> Well, t'captain 'as a think like and 'e thinks. " Spock's been a

> reet good pal to me. If it worrn't for 'im Ah'd 'ave been a dead

> 'un donkey's years ago. Ah can't say Ah fancy him, Ah've seen

> more meat on a butcher's pencil, but on t'other 'and Ah don't

> want t'poor owd bugger to kick t'bucket." So he says, "Tha's on,

> owd lad."



The captain ponders. "Spock has been a very good friend to

me," he thinks. "If it were not for him, I would have died many

years ago. It is true that I do not find him sexually appealing,

being somewhat thin, on the other hand, I do not wish to see

him die." So he says, "Very well, T'Hy'La."



> So Kirk drops 'is kecks and they lies dahn on't floor like, even

> tho it's all mucky and they do.... well, tha knows full well what

> they do and they likes it, so they dus it agin t'other way rahnd.



So Kirk removes his trousers and they take up a prone position on

the floor, despite the dirt, and they do...... what everyone knows

they did and they enjoy the experience, so they repeat it with the

roles reversed.



> An' when McCoy arrives wit' th'Enterprise he knaws what thiv bin

> doin' an all and 'ees pig sick 'coz he'd noticed them bloody

> 'ard-boiled eggs months ago and was hoping for a go 'issen



And when McCoy arrives with the Enterprise, he too is in no

doubt as to what occurred and is by no means happy about it,

for he had also noticed the Captain's shapely hindquarters and

had had designs upon them himself.



> T'End



The End