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Author's Chapter Notes:

Disclaimers: Star Trek doesn’t belong to me, stars know how much I’d love to have a McCoy for myself! XD
Beta: Karmic_fic

The first time Kirk thought he had Spock figured out was also the first time he actually noticed the Vulcan – namely during the hearing called to accuse him of cheating during the Kobayashi Maru – He couldn’t remember precisely what he’d first thought about Spock once the Vulcan began speaking, but Jim was fairly certain it was something along the lines of ‘annoying’, ‘spoilsport’, ‘logical asshole’ and  ‘insensitive bastard’.

Well, to be perfectly honest, that wasn’t technically the first time Jim had noticed Spock, but because he completely was (not) a stalker and he was (not) counting the times he’d caught himself staring at the Vulcan, he decided to ignore the other (thirteen) times around campus before the whole mess with the test happened.


The second time Kirk thought he had Spock figured out, he was forced to think otherwise almost as soon as he had formulated the thought.
He’d just realized that the Enterprise was about to fall into Nero’s trap. He’d been anxious and angry – and had seriously been considering the idea of smacking Bones if he didn’t stop injecting him with those damn hypos – when he’d stepped onto the Bridge to warn Captain Pike. Hearing Spock try to talk over him, suggesting that he should be removed from the Bridge just made him even angrier and the only thought processing in his mind was that this Vulcan is a fool.
Then that same thought blinked out of existence when, after finally hearing his reasoning, Spock actually conceded that his claim was logical. At that statement, the world inside Jim’s head flipped on its axis. When the person you believe hates you for the simple fact that you’re opposites suddenly makes you think that he might not, then something is very very wrong with the universe.

After that, Jim didn’t really have time to focus on anything other then the fact that a giant-fucking-Romulan ship had just wiped out the rest of their fleet.


The third time Kirk thought he had Spock figured out, he was convinced that not only was the Vulcan a fool, but also a fucking bastard to the core.
That asshole had marooned him on a fucking ice planet!
… no, Jim wasn’t angry/pissed/scared to death because he’d nearly been lunch for not one but two giant toothy beasts, but because the Vulcan had marooned him on a fucking freezing planet without even listening to him!
And then, there he was, standing in front of an old man claiming to be the older version of his current obsession nemesis! Just great! The Universe must really love him…
He really did want to take a moment to bitch right then – and he really didn’t care how petulant he sounded, he just needed to vent at someone about the crush that the Goddess of Misfortune seemed to have on him- but, when he felt those fingers on his face, the affection pouring from the Vulcan like a tidal wave that wrapped him up in a warm and kind embrace, he couldn’t bring himself to even think about how much he’d wanted to punch his Spock just ten minutes ago.


The fourth time Kirk thought he had Spock figured out, he gladly would have traded that knowledge for a bare-foot walk across live coals.
Jim might be a rascal, somewhat of an asshole and surely a smug bastard, but staring into those pain darkened eyes as Spock left the captaincy to him made something inside of Jim cringe considerably.
He had understood nothing of the Vulcan. Not one damn thing.
Fool… Bastard… neither was correct.
He was hurt. From the very beginning he was hurt.
How in the name of starts had he ever considered the idea that Spock couldn’t be hurt? His whole planet had just imploded! His mother died on that same planet in that same moment!
Emotionally compromised? That didn’t even begin to describe it.
And there he was, forcing the other to realize it, making him suffer that wicked pain that he’d tried to bottle up in a corner of his mind just in order to survive it.

Great… now he felt like a bastard… just great.


The fifth time Kirk thought he had Spock figured out, Jim felt irritated and somewhat puzzled by his own feelings.
He wasn’t sure himself of the reasons behind these sensations. Mind you, he did like Uhura, but it wasn’t his habit to feel annoyed at someone kissing a girl he found attractive.
No, that wasn’t the problem… the problem was that he really couldn’t understand why he was feeling the sudden urge to knock her down.
“Jim, that’s called jealousy,” Bones had dryly provided after the whole Nero incident, when his best friend had promptly decided to pester him with his life issues as Captain, somehow derailing in the middle of the conversation onto the whole Uhura-kissing-Spock subject.
“I’m not jealous of Spock!” Jim had frowned, staring at his CMO as if he’d suddenly started to give our prophecies of a future filled with eternal love and peace.
“Jim… the issue isn’t that you’re jealous of that pointy-eared bastard, but because of him!”
“You aren’t making any sense, Bones. What’s the difference between…”Jim started to ask, but he was cut short by a wave of McCoy’s hand.
“Listen up Jim, because I’m already feeling sick of talking about this with you, and I don’t want to have to repeat myself… and if you’re idiot enough not to understand even after what I’m about to tell you, well, then good luck! You’ll need it…” the doctor had looked somewhere between irritated, embarrassed and slightly disgusted, which, in turn, only served to make Kirk even more confused. “Let’s sum it up together, you just said that you saw Spock and Uhura kissing, you felt jealous about it – and no Jim, I don’t care how much you pout at me because I’m not buying it, you know damn well that what you felt was jealousy – anyway, because of that jealousy, you wanted to punch Uhura when, considering your attraction to her, the most logical – and I’m hating myself for using the word- the most logical thing would have been for you to want to punch Spock instead…”
Jim nodded, Yes, that about summed it up. McCoy waited for the look of realization to dawn across Kirk’s face, but Jim just stared back at him blankly as if waiting for him to give the conclusion to that reasoning.
McCoy seriously wished for a titanium desk he could beat his head against.
“Oh just get the hell out of my Sickbay!”


And then there was one time in which Kirk thought he didn’t have Spock figured out at all when in fact, he actually had.

At first, he’d thought it was just his imagination playing tricks on him – possibly joined to his hopes of getting closer than anyone else was able to his new First Officer – but at some point during the first year of their mission into the unknown, he’d begun to have the feeling that Spock was unusually inclined towards touching him.
Now, Jim wasn’t a great expert on Vulcans and their paranoid need for privacy, but he was fairly sure that Vulcans don’t like to touch or be touched by others unless it’s strictly necessary. If he weren’t talking about Spock, he’d almost think that the other was actually hitting on him in some strangely convoluted Vulcan way, but he was talking about Spock goddammit! It… just didn’t seem possible…
The fact that he’d now – finally, as Bones had made sure to remark – become aware of his own feelings for Spock wasn’t helping him one bit. Seriously… touch telepathy plus secret love for said touch telepath equals a combo that was beginning to make him feel slightly hysterical whenever the Vulcan brushed against him.
His obsession with the other (Fucking gorgeous fingers, makes me want to lick them, suck on them. Lips. Lips. Stop staring. Just want to kiss them once. Just once, I swear. Stop staring at his ass. It’s fucking difficult when he keeps bending over those damned consoles like that! Please, please, just once…) had gotten to the point where he kept loosing track of his surroundings whenever Spock was in the same room with him, and had culminated in Jim stumbling over his very own feet.
He just had the time to resign himself to experiencing a less-than-graceful fall when a hand reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back steady on his feet. Mumbling a ‘thank you’, he was about to resume walking through the corridors when he froze at the realization of just whose fingers were still lingering on his forearm. Wide eyed and beginning to feel the hot burn of blush in his cheeks, Jim stared at his First Officer who returned his gaze with a slightly curious look.

Fuck! Vulcans can’t use their telepathy through clothes… right?!

With a jerk, he pulled his arm free from the other’s hold and did the only thing that came to mind in the midst of the hurricane that was his emotions in that moment: he ran for it.
It was only when he was locked inside the safety of his room that he allowed himself to breathe again, to think again. As the world to rushed back into focus, overwhelming his senses, he realized with a mix of astonishment and despair that he was achingly hard.
A little over a week later – a week in which Jim did his absolute best to avoid touching his First Officer even by accident, not trusting his ability to restrain his bodily impulses – he decided that he couldn’t continue on like that. Their close proximity and the absence of touch were driving him crazy. And, his habit of staring at Spock when the other wasn’t looking his way was becoming so bold that he felt certain that other members of his crew were starting to notice.
It was only when Bones kicked him out of his Sickbay for the third time in two days for ‘being worse than a teenaged girl dealing with her first crush’ that Jim resolved to put a stop to the situation. So, he braced himself, and actually went to talk to Spock about his affection for him.
There had been a time, a couple of weeks before he’d begun to freak out about his own feelings, when Spock had misunderstood his friendship with Bones as something deeper. Kirk had explained to him the differences between the brotherly love he spoke of and felt for his best friend and the other kind of love the Vulcan had been referring to. To tell the truth, he hadn’t decided yet what to tell Spock when he ran into him just outside the Vulcan’s room. His mouth just began to move, forming words on it’s own as soon as he saw Spock.
He asked him if Spock would hate him if for loving him in that ‘other’ kind of way, and for an instant he feared that he would. The Vulcan went too quiet and… and… and his mind was a mess again, he couldn’t think of anything else to say. His gaze just kept falling onto the other’s lips and he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks again…
He was about to make a run for it for the second time in an attempt to escape his First Officer and possibly his own feelings when Spock closed the gap that separated them and kissed him. The Vulcan’s lips were burning against his own, an intoxicating and addictive heat that went straight to his lower body and made him moan.
Yes, he had wanted to do that for ages. The Vulcan’s skin tasted different from a human’s, definitely not salty… somewhat metallic…
When they pulled apart he saw the lust and craving in the other’s dark eyes, and a part of him wanted to purr at the sight.
“Jim…” came the somewhat huskier voice of the Vulcan, “the possibility of me hating you for any reason it 0%.”
He let out a moan. Oh hell, if from now on he was going to get that jolt of arousal every time Spock used percentages, he was in for a lot of uncomfortable Bridge shifts and strange looks from the rest of the crew…
Then again, he corrected himself as he moved his body flush up against his soon to be lover while Spock locked the door behind them, if they didn’t understand the arousing power of Spockisms it’s their loss.

As for the rest of the world, if they had anything to say about his feeling for his First Officer and what they were about to share then they could just go to Hell.


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