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Jim sighed and threw himself on the bed. Once again, Spock had run out on him just when things had been starting to get steamy and left him alone in his quarters with a raging hard-on. It wasn't that Jim was unwilling to wait if that was what Spock wanted to do, but it just always seemed like Spock was just as into things as he was, before suddenly deciding that he had to leave. If Spock didn't want to have sex yet, then why didn't he just leave earlier, before they got all worked up? And yeah, he was pretty sure Spock usually got just as worked up as him during these make-out sessions; he could tell from the way Spock clutched at him and the way he panted harshly through his nose, and from his dilated pupils and shaky breath as he pulled away.

Jim opened his fly and pushed a hand inside his boxers, and wondered if Spock was doing the same thing right now. Maybe Spock was in his own quarters, horny as hell, jerking off. Maybe he had taken off his uniform, folded it neatly and put it away beforehand, so that he wouldn't make a mess out of it. Maybe he was sprawled out on his bed, completely naked, jerking his cock while thinking of Jim.

Jim wondered what Spock's cock looked like. Maybe it looked almost like a human's, or maybe it was a dark green, or maybe it was retractable. Maybe it was bigger than a human's, maybe it was smaller. No matter what, Jim knew he would love Spock's cock, he'd lick it and suck it until Spock was reduced to a moaning, quivering mess, and then Spock would come inside his mouth, and Jim would swallow it all, and then he'd kiss Spock so he could taste himself.

Jim bucked into his fist and came with a groan. He lay bonelessly on the mattress for a while, and came to a decision. He'd have to talk to Spock tomorrow. If Spock wanted to wait, Jim was fine with that, but he hoped that Spock would at least be willing to talk to him about it, not just run out on him every night.



Spock looked up from his PADD as Jim entered his quarters, and he got that expression on his face that Jim had decided was a smile. "Jim." He rose from his chair and came over to Jim, pulling him into an embrace and kissing him softly.

Jim felt like he was brimming over with happiness just from that tender greeting, and pulled away and gave Spock a brilliant smile. "Hey, good-looking." Spock looked back at him with his amused Spock-smile, and Jim wished he could postpone the talk and just enjoy Spock's company, but he knew that if he'd postpone it every time Spock made him feel happy, he'd never get around to it.

"There's something I want to talk to you about. How about we sit down?" Jim gestured to the bed rather than to the chairs on either side of the desk, wanting to sit close to Spock.

"Certainly, Jim." They went over to the bed and sat down on the edge, turned towards each other and holding hands.

"What is it you want to discuss?"

Jim felt a bit nervous, despite knowing that there was no reason for it. He and Spock were together now; the prospect of eventually having sex must have been on Spock's mind, too.

"I just... I just want to know what your thoughts are about sex. Between us, I mean. Because I feel that every time we've started to get... excited lately, you excuse yourself and leave. And if you want to wait, I'm perfectly willing to do that, it's just that it would be nice to know where you stand on this. Because I have to admit that I don't understand why you don't leave before we start to get all hot and bothered if you want to wait."

The Spock-smile had vanished from Spock's face sometime during Jim's little monologue, and been replaced by a deep flush. "Forgive me, Jim. I am aware that I have had a tendency to leave you... distressed, lately. It is not my wish to wait, and as you have observed, I find you very arousing. However, I do not know if you would want to - If you knew -"

"Knew what?" Jim squeezed Spock's hand, reassuringly. He was sure that nothing Spock could tell him would make him change his mind about wanting to have sex with him. Besides, Spock was probably just over-thinking something, as usual. He was probably just imagining that Jim would think his cock looked weird or something, whatever a Vulcan cock looked like.

"Jim, I am not... normal. I do not look like what you would expect." Jim was about to protest when Spock continued. "I was born with a female body. I am what is referred to in Standard as a transsexual."

Jim's mouth fell open. That was not what he had expected, at all. It was so far from anything he would have imagined that he found himself unable to say anything.

Spock looked down at his knees. "I will understand, of course, if you wish to discontinue our relationship."

"Spock, no!" Jim found his ability to speak again. "No, I would never do that! I still want to be with you, and I want to make love to you, regardless of whether you're 'normal' or not. It doesn't matter to me, Spock, not in the least. The only thing that matters is you, not which gender you were born as or what you look like down there."

Spock looked up at him with something akin to wonder in his eyes. "You are a good person, Jim. I have chosen my partner well." The Spock-smile was back.

Jim smiled back at him. "Yeah? Well, so have I." He leaned in and gave Spock a quick kiss. "Anyway, I promised Scotty I'd come down there sometime today and discuss something, so I think I'll just go down there now. But how about dinner at seven, in my quarters? And then we can talk about this some more, and maybe afterwards we could... take things further?"

Spock stroked two fingers against two of Jim's. "That sounds agreeable, Jim. I accept."

When Jim left Spock's quarters, it was with a new knowledge of Spock which was so different from the knowledge he'd thought he'd had, yet in a way didn't change his perception of Spock at all, and with a skip in his step in anticipation of what would happen later.



"So." Jim paused to chew his food. "When did you tell your parents that you wanted to, you know..." He gestured to Spock's body.

"I did not. It was ascertained via a meld shortly after my birth. The Vulcan word for transsexual translates literally as 'wrong-bodied', which means that an individual is born with a body that is of the opposite gender than that of one's katra, or soul as you would call it. It is easily ascertained through a mind meld. This is why I was given a male name; I have been called Spock all my life."

Jim blinked. Somehow, he hadn't thought that transsexuality would be acknowledged so openly on Vulcan, but now that he thought about it, it would probably be illogical to pretend like it didn't exist when it clearly did.

"So then they started the treatments..."

"At the first signs of my entering puberty. Until then, I merely wore clothing typically worn by males, and wore my hair short. There are, of course, also Vulcan females with short hair, but most female children have long hair."

"But did people know that you were a transsexual? Or did they think you were a boy? I mean... that you were born as a boy?"

Spock looked down. "My... fellow students suspected, and managed to remove my garments by force once. Transsexuality is generally accepted on Vulcan; however, some children, before they fully master logic and the control over emotions, can be quite... cruel, and will use any excuse to provoke emotional responses from other children. Once my schoolmates found out, it became one of the many insults that were often applied to me."

Jim stared at him in shock. "That's horrible! I had no idea kids could be so mean on Vulcan as well."

"Indeed they can. But this is not something I wish to linger on. Is there anything else you wish to know?"

Jim decided to ask the question he had been thinking about since Spock had told him about his transsexuality. "Have you had surgery?" By which he meant, of course, 'do you have girl bits or boy bits?'. Not that it mattered, but he felt it was only natural to be curious.

"Negative. Being a hybrid, any surgery or medical treatment of me comes with a risk. I decided some years ago that I would go through with the surgery only if it would be required in order to keep a mate. Personally, I do not need the surgery to know that I am a male. However, I decided that if a... mate... should wish for me to have the surgery in order for him or her to be comfortable with my body, I would be perfectly willing to do so." He looked at Jim meaningfully, and the meaning wasn't lost on Jim. This meant that it was up to him whether or not Spock was going to have the surgery.

"Not for my sake, Spock. I don't want you to change anything for me."

"Jim, I do not expect you to make that decision now, before you have even seen my genitalia. I presume you have, until today, assumed that I have normal male genitalia, which I do not. It might unsettle you more than you think to actually see this."

"Okay, yeah, I may have thought that you had 'normal male genitalia', but I didn't even know what 'normal' is for a Vulcan, so I had no idea what to imagine. I'm pretty sure I won't freak out, Spock."

Spock reached over and took his hand. "Perhaps not. But there is only one way to find out, is there not?"

Jim felt his heart speed up a little. "Yeah, I guess so." He rubbed his thumb over Spock's knuckles.

Spock got up from his chair and Jim followed, letting himself be enveloped in Spock's arms. They kissed, sweetly at first, but the kisses soon turned more sensual and eventually passionate. Jim allowed himself a slow thrust against Spock while they kissed, and Spock placed both hands on his hips and pulled him closer. Jim felt a thrill run down his spine at the knowledge that Spock wanted this as much as he did, and that they were actually going to do it this time.

Jim mouthed his way down to Spock's neck, and Spock craned his neck to give him better access. One of Jim's hands found its way underneath Spock's shirt, and travelled up to his chest where he ran his fingers through the coarse hair before teasing a nipple. Spock let out a low, throaty moan and ground his hips against Jim's before pulling away and removing his own shirt. Jim marvelled at the fact that Spock's torso didn't give away the fact that he had been born as a girl at all. He was lean and muscular, there were no signs of female breasts or hips, and there was hair on his chest and a strip of hair that went down to his navel and continued further down and disappeared into his pants. Jim felt his cock twitch at the thought about exploring what that strip led to.

Jim removed his own shirt and took Spock by the hand, pulling him towards the bed. He waited for Spock to lay down, but instead, he found himself pushed down on the bed by Spock, who then proceeded to crawl on top of him and explore every inch of exposed skin with his fingers and his mouth. Jim groaned and closed his eyes as a warm mouth closed over one of his nipples. "Fuck, Spock."

He shivered as he felt Spock's fingers lightly caressing his sides and his stomach while Spock moved further down his body, taking his time with each new area he explored. Then Jim felt the dip of the mattress as Spock sat up between his legs, and Spock's hands encountered the fabric of Jim's pants. Spock let his fingers slide towards the middle of the hem and opened the button and then the zipper. Jim could hardly believe this was happening, and opened his eyes again to see Spock pulling his pants and underwear down slowly. Spock paused after exposing Jim's cock to take in the sight for the first time, before removing the garments completely. Jim snorted.

Spock looked up at him questioningly. "May I inquire as to what you find so amusing?"

Jim chuckled at Spock's formal language, even in bed. "It's just that whenever you do something, you usually finish it without letting yourself get distracted, yet you just stopped what you were doing in order to check out my cock."

Spock looked up at him with an amused glint in his eyes. "I will admit that I have a weakness for pleasing aesthetics. Which explains, of course, why I agreed to enter a relationship with you."

"So you're only with me because of my looks?" Jim pouted.

Spock crawled back up and kissed Jim's pouting lips. "Not only." His expression went from teasing to fond, and he ran a hand through Jim's hair. Jim felt something inside him flutter from the way Spock was looking at him, and put a hand on the back of Spock's neck and pulled him back for another kiss.

Jim bucked when Spock's hand unexpectedly wrapped around his cock, and he moaned into the kiss. Spock sat up, straddling one of Jim's thighs, and started moving his hand while rocking slowly back and forth against the thigh. There was a distinct lack of a bulge there, and Jim still found it a bit weird; the thought that Spock didn't have a cock; that someone who was so clearly masculine as Spock could have been born as a female.

Spock moved between Jim's legs, and seemed to study Jim's cock intently as he moved his hand up and down the length of it. Then he bent forward until his face was directly in front of it, and tentatively licked at the head. Jim buried a hand in Spock's hair, encouraging him, but not pushing, and Spock placed his lips over the head and sucked lightly while tonguing it, wetting it with saliva.

Jim exhaled loudly as the length of his cock was enveloped in a wet softness, warmer than he had ever felt before. Spock's ministrations seemed to be tentative and experimental rather than confident and practiced, but they were still bringing Jim towards the edge quicker than any other blowjob he had received, making his entire abdomen throb with pleasure. Maybe it was because of the heat of Spock's mouth, or maybe there was something maddeningly arousing about the slow pace, or maybe it was just because it was Spock who was doing it.

Jim was happy he was lying down, because if he were standing, he was pretty sure his knees would have buckled. He writhed against the mattress, and he knew he wouldn't be able to last long like this.

"Spock, you have to stop doing that if - nng - if you want this to continue."

Spock released Jim's cock, and Jim exhaled with a mix of relief and disappointment. Spock came up to kiss him again, and Jim took the opportunity to roll them around. Spock let himself be pushed down on his back, and when Jim broke the kiss, Spock looked up at him with a gentle, trusting expression.

"Jim, I feel I should tell you that... I have never had sexual intercourse before. I have never before trusted anyone enough to show them..." Spock trailed off.

Jim had already suspected it, yet hearing the words triggered something in him. He felt some kind of emotion bubbling in his chest, and he almost couldn't believe how lucky he was to be the one who had managed to earn Spock's complete trust. He, James T. Kirk, cockiness embodied and skirt-chaser to boot (well, previous skirt-chaser now), had somehow, despite all odds, managed to capture a Vulcan. And not just any Vulcan. This Vulcan. Spock. 

The emotion kept bubbling up in Jim's chest and up his throat, and he needed to get it out somehow, needed to do something, say something.

"I love you." He blurted it out. He hadn't been consciously aware of it before, but it was true, and it felt good to say it.

Spock studied him, looking surprised and almost disbelieving at first, before his eyes slowly lit up and the corners of his lips curled into an almost Human smile. "I love you too, Jim. Ashayam."

Jim smiled back at him. He didn't know what ashayam meant, but it didn't matter right now. He'd find out later. The emotion inside of him didn't go away, but he didn't really want it to.

He placed butterfly kisses on Spock's jaw, and then continued slowly down his neck, chest and stomach, following the trail of hair, but taking small detours to pay attention to other parts of his torso with his lips and tongue. The taste was different than Human skin. Slightly spicy. He liked it.

He finally reached the hem of Spock's pants, and looked up. Spock gazed back at him affectionately and gave a slight nod. Jim opened the fly of Spock's pants, and pulled them off when Spock raised his hips, letting his hands slide down Spock's thighs and legs as he did so. He kissed his way back up one of Spock's thighs until he met the Starfleet regulation male underwear. It was slightly weird, and weirdly exciting, to see the flatness of the underwear where there would ordinarily be a bulge.

Jim placed a hand between Spock's legs and rubbed. Spock moaned, and Jim could feel his wetness through the fabric of the boxers. He slid his hands inside the hem of the boxers, and slowly, very slowly, pushed down. He felt as if he were opening a present, a rare and beautiful present just for him. But then it was, wasn't it? He was the only person Spock had allowed to see this. It made Jim feel privileged.

He couldn't help the small gasp he let out when he saw it. Poking out from Spock's labia, beneath a small patch of pubic hair, was what looked like a green miniature penis. Jim pulled Spock's boxers completely off, and came back to explore it. Subconsciously, he must have known that the hormones Spock had been taking might have enlarged his clitoris, but still it came to a complete surprise to him that it was this large - it looked like it was about 2 inches long. And it was slick and glistening with Spock's juices, and looked amazing.

Jim reached for it, and Spock instinctively tried to close his legs, but soon relaxed and spread them again. Jim looked up at him reassuringly, before trying again. Spock exhaled quietly as Jim touched it.

It was strange how much it looked like a penis, Jim mused as he pulled the foreskin - the clitoral hood - over the head and back again. Of course, he knew that guys and girls started out with the same bits while they were still embryos or fetuses or whatever - and that apparently went for Vulcans as well, he thought. But he had never actually been able to see the similarities between the female and the male genitalia until now. It was even erect, even though the size and the placement of it made it angle downwards.

Spock raised himself up on his elbows. "I consider it to be a penis, not a clitoris."

Jim nodded as he continued looking at it. Yeah, that made sense. Spock was a guy, after all. And if Spock thought of it as his cock, well, then it was. 

Jim pulled it up towards Spock's abdomen and looked at the underside, where it was less similar to a regular cock. The head connected with the inner labia, which ran down the short shaft and continued to Spock's opening, which was leaking fluid.

Jim pulled away. "Show me how you touch yourself. I want to see what feels good for you." Spock blushed, but reached down between his legs and started slowly jerking his cock with three fingers, before speeding up a bit. He lost his rhythm a few times because the cock was too small and too slippery to get a proper grip on. Spock reached down with his other hand as well, and pushed two fingers inside his vagina.

Jim could feel his cock leaking in his boxers. He placed his hands on Spock's thighs and spread his legs even more. "Have you done this while thinking about me?"

Spock closed his eyes and let out a loud breath as he continued jerking and fingering himself. "Yes." 

Jim resisted the urge to moan just from that confession and the sight of Spock pleasuring himself. He grabbed Spock's wrists and pulled his hands away before placing his own hands and fingers where Spock's had been, trying to do it the same way.

Spock's head fell back, and he moaned. Jim felt pleased with himself, but this wasn't enough, he wanted to do more. He wanted to taste. He let go of Spock's penis with his fingers and licked it with the tip of his tongue, from base to head, while continuing to thrust two fingers in and out of Spock's opening. Spock's breath hitched. Jim placed his lips at the tip of Spock's cock and then sucked it into his mouth, took it all in. There was a sob-like sound from Spock, and his hands came down to stroke Jim's neck, his shoulders, his hair. Jim sucked eagerly on the cock. It wasn't like sucking a regular cock, but it wasn't like going down on a chick either. It was different. And he really, really liked it.

Jim sucked a little bit harder, making Spock's thighs quiver, and then Spock placed his hands on the sides of Jim's head and gently pushed him away. Jim released the penis with a wet sound and looked up at Spock, who was flushed green and panting.

"Jim, I believe I would like for you to... penetrate me now."

Jim licked his lips, which were glistening with Spock's juices. "You sure?"

Spock looked at him fondly, ran a hand through Jim's hair and nodded. "I am."

Jim settled between Spock's thighs, caressing them gently before guiding his cock to Spock's slick entrance. He pushed in slowly, and Spock began breathing faster. Jim continued as far as he could push inside, making sure he didn't squish Spock's penis in the process. He repeated the motion a few times until he was convinced Spock's cock wouldn't cause a problem, and lay down, covering Spock's body with his own.

"You okay?" He could feel Spock's fast breaths against his cheek.

"Yes. I am merely... unused to this sensation."

Jim smiled and gave Spock a kiss before he continued thrusting, still going slow. Spock was tight and warm and wet around him, and it felt exquisite. Spock wrapped his legs around Jim's back, and it made his hips cant up, so that Jim could push in even further.

Spock groaned as Jim pushed in completely to the hilt, and Jim paused, worried. "Did that hurt?" Spock shook his head. "Negative. The motion created friction against my penis, stimulating it. It was... pleasurable."

Jim smirked and repeated it, and Spock let out a huffed breath and closed his eyes. Jim moved his mouth to Spock's neck, nuzzling the skin there as he continued thrusting. He enjoyed the sounds coming from Spock, and the way he was shivering faintly and clenching around Jim's cock. Jim sped up, and Spock's sounds turned into a continuous moaning, and Jim couldn't keep from moaning himself.

He sped up, and felt himself getting closer. Spock wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, and captured his lips just as Jim spilled himself inside him, thrusting hard with each squirt of cum. Jim's thrusts turned into gentle rocking motions, before they subsided and stopped completely. Jim was so overwhelmed by the orgasm that he shivered as Spock held him, before he after a short while remembered that he had to take care of Spock's orgasm as well.

He pulled out of Spock and moved between his legs again, and took a moment to study Spock's penis, which was even more engorged now, and his hole, which was open and wet, and had a little bit of Jim's cum running out of it. Jim took the cock in his mouth again, sucking eagerly, while pushing two fingers into Spock, rubbing his G-spot - if Vulcans had a G-spot, which Jim had come to the conclusion that they probably did, during their foreplay.

Spock moaned and writhed, and Jim increased the tempo and intensity, and suddenly, he could feel Spock's cock throb inside his mouth as Spock grabbed the sheets and sobbed while his whole body practically shook.

Jim kept Spock's cock in his mouth for a moment longer, enjoying the way it pulsed against his tongue, before he released it and looked at it. The throbbing was even visible.

Spock put a hand on his shoulder, and Jim took it as a sign that Spock wanted him to come back up and lie down together with him, so he did. He buried his head in the crook of Spock's neck while Spock stroked his back.

"I still stand by what I said, Spock. I don't want you to change for me. You're perfect."

Spock's hand stilled on his back for a while, and then Spock bent down and kissed Jim's cheek. "Thank you."

Spock resumed his stroking, and Jim started to feel drowsy, so he decided to pull the covers over them both.

"Oh, and Spock?" Jim's eyelids were heavy now, and he was mumbling sleepily. "What does ashayam mean?"

Spock stroked his cheek gently with a tiny Spock-smile on his face again. "Beloved."

Jim smiled as his eyes fell closed. "'Night, ashayam."

Spock pulled Jim closer and kissed his forehead. "Good night, Jim."

~fin~
Chapter End Notes:


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