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Kirk's Close Encounters
by Laura Goodwin

How many women did Kirk bang in TOS?

"The "Little Blond Lab Technician " he "almost married": [Where No Man Has Gone Before] No. Some people think possibly that this is a reference to Carol Marcus, or to "Ruth". It didn't happen during TOS. If anything happened, it happened before the events depicted in TOS. In any case, "almost" means nothing. We don't even get a name.

Eve McHuron: [Mudd's Women] No. She placed herself in Kirk's bed without his knowledge or permission. When she asked if he minded, he said, "As a matter of fact, I do!" They didn't do anything, really. She tried to seduce him, but totally failed.

Yeoman Rand: [The Enemy Within] No. His evil half molested her, but he didn't succeed in raping her. She fought him off. They never apparently had sex, not in that episode, and not in any episode.

"Andrea": [What are little girls made of?] No. An android. They kissed, that's it. It was not a romantic kiss, he was just trying to confuse her.

Dr. Helen Noel: [Dagger of the Mind] No. Helen has to remind Kirk that they met before at a crew Christmas party. There was apparently some kind of flirting and talk about the stars, but that's how far it went. No doubt alcohol was involved. He seemed a little embarrassed by it.

Miri: [Miri] No! The kid was only infatuated with him. Join the club, kid!

Lenore Karidian: [Conscience of the King] They flirted and kissed, that's it. Crazy Evil Bitch. We know they never went all the way, because if she succeeded in getting alone with him, he would have been dead. Spock was adamant that Kirk wasn't really interested in her, and later, Kirk admitted he was using her to get to her father.

Areel Shaw: [Court Martial] No. We were given no compelling reason to believe they had ever had sex. She called Kirk her "dear old love", a bit dismissively, before revealing that she was the atty for the prosecution in his pending court martial. They were once friends, at best. They kissed good-bye at the end, and that was the end of it.

Yeoman Helen Johannson: [Court Martial] ::shrug:: No. What? Nothing! "She simply mentioned that she *knew* you..." When you are famous, everybody knows you.

"Ruth": [Shore Leave] No. Not really human, not really Ruth. There was no heat evident between them. There's no real reason to believe they ever had sex, or even really liked each other.

Edith Keeler: [City on the Edge of Forever] No. Kirk was infatuated with her, but there was no sign that they ever passed first base. He never told her that he loved her, and he failed to prove his love for her. All he really proved is that something else was more important to him than she was. OTOH, this is one of those episodes were Spock and Kirk shared a bedroom. Things that make you go, "Hmm!"

Dr. Janice Wallace: [The Deadly Years] ::shrug:: No. She apparently was interested in re-kindling something they once shared, but he discouraged her.

Lt. Marlena Moreau: [Mirror, Mirror] Spicy possibilities strongly hinted at, but NO. She flat-out offered herself, and he flat out refused to do anything about it.

Drusilla: [Bread and Circuses] A slave. They kissed. "I was told I am to be your slave tonight..." Lucky slave! But there actually is no sign that they did have sex, so, no. BTW, neither Kirk nor Drusilla had any choice about where else to be that night, or who to be with. If Kirk had been free to choose, he wouldn't have been there at all.

Nona: [A Private Little War] No. She was working on him, though. Kirk was bewitched and drugged, or he never would have touched her.

Drill Thrall Shana: [The Gamesters of Triskelion] Honor roll. Damn near...sure looked like a situation where sex was prevented only by the script, the censors and time slot. There was strong mutual attraction, expressive and probing gazes deep into one another's eyes, Kirk waxing passionately eloquent, skin to skin contact, kissing, heavy breathing, urgent hugging, everything except a fadeout and an obvious time lapse...so, no. But damn near! Something about the creak of his leather harness and the electrifying crackle of her tinfoil bikini...:::biting my own hand::: I really wish I could count this one, but no. Again, if Kirk had been free to choose he wouldn't have been there at all.

"Kelinda": [By Any Other Name] No. Just another Kirk seduces Enemy Bitch episode. He had an explicitly stated ulterior movie and was certainly insincere. Refer Catspaw and Wink of an Eye.

Elaan: [Elaan of Troyius] No. His interest was chemically induced. If he hadn't been drugged he never would have touched her, because he frankly disliked her. They never had time to do anything, anyway.

Priestess Miramanee: [The Paradise Syndrome] BINGO! Kir-ok was legally married to Miramanee, and he knocked her up! They definitely had sex, probably lots o times, and they had fun doing it, too! "Each kiss is as the first..." ::sigh:: OK, so that's ONE, but technically, he did have amnesia, and also it was not his idea. Kirk was required by tribal law to marry her.

Dr. Miranda Jones: [Is there in truth no Beauty?] No. He never even got a kiss from her. All she cared about was Kollos. He wasn't really interested in her, anyway. He had an explicitly stated ulterior motive and it was obvious even to her that he was insincere.

Sylvia: [Catspaw] No. In the name of duty he tried to seduce her. He had an explicitly stated ulterior motive and it was obvious even to her that he was insincere. She got wise before he got anywhere. Refer Wink of an Eye and By Any Other Name.

Uhura: [Plato's Stepchildren] No, that was forced, and it was just a kiss.

Deela: [Wink of an Eye] BINGO! After a fadeout, we return to see Kirk sitting on the bed donning his boots, while Deela primps. Kirk seduces Enemy Bitch. Refer Catspaw and By Any Other Name. That's TWO, but it was not his idea. She kidnapped him and forced him into bed with a threat of death. He was probably humoring her both to save his own life, and hopefully to manipulate her somehow. Again, if Kirk had been free to choose he wouldn't have been there at all.

Marta: [Whom Gods Destroy] Ha! The famous green alien chick! Did he do her? NO! She was all over him like flies on meat, but the feeling was not mutual. He did not like her at all. Nothing happened. He gave up on even thinking about seducing her...too freaking unstable. Again, if Kirk had been free to choose he wouldn't have been there at all.

Odona: [The Mark of Gideon] No. They kissed, that's it. She wasn't really an enemy, nor a bitch, but she wasn't exactly honest with him, either. What if the disease he gave her was VD? LOL! Then we might have had something! Again, if Kirk had been free to choose he wouldn't have been there at all.

Disruptor Vanna: [The Cloud minders] No. Maybe they made a cute couple but they were wrestling in bed because he caught her trying to knife him while he slept.

Reyna Kepec: [Requiem for Methuselah] No. An android, and they did not have sex. At the end, Spock melded with a sleeping Kirk to make him forget her. Hmmm....

Dr. Janice Lester: [Turnabout Intruder] No. As sickening as it is to contemplate, they were once apparently lovers, but their affair was a thing of the past. It's so hard to see the two of them together...ick. Crazy Enemy Bitch.

--> Total TOS count: TWO! That's right, only two of the thirty-one females of various species who flung themselves at him for sure got any while he was Captain of the Enterprise in TOS.

BTW, there were numerous beautiful female characters that Kirk never showed even a fleeting or phony interest in. He never was even tempted by most of them.

The big winner? *Miramanee*, who got to marry Kirk and live as his wife and keep wigwam warm for him for a couple of months! Whooee! What a lucky dame! And none of this silly, "Excuse me, but I have a starship to run, au revoir!" bullshit - he didn't even remember the Enterprise (nor Spock)!


CONSIDER THIS: _We never once saw Kirk go all the way with a woman, while in control of himself and his fate_. How many times in TOS did Kirk meet, date, and seduce a woman freely, of his own choosing, and end up in bed with her? *ZERO*. That holds true throughout all of the TOS-crew movies, as well.

There is nothing in women's kisses, nor in their vaginas, that magically makes a man straight. People who say that Kirk's half-assed encounters with women somehow prove that he's not Gay are certainly wrong.

Kirk's relationship with Spock is pretty obviously the one abiding love relationship that Kirk has - throughout TOS, and in the movies he appeared in, as well.  That this is also true about Spock only lends more weight to the K/S interpretation.

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