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First published in the K/S Press 100th Anniversary Celebration Zine.

With a determined stride he walked through the corridors of the great starship. The thrum of her engines reverberated in his feet and the telltale vibrations of warp speed tingled in the air, humming in his chest. At last the official shakedown was finished and they were heading for unexplored space at warp four.

The hurried completion of The Enterprise's refit due to the V'Ger crisis had kept them in Federation space, with the ship and crew checking every circuit, every memory bank, every piece of equipment, running every drill and test to make sure she was ready for full duty. With pride, her captain had today informed Starfleet Command that she was.

It hadn't been too bad; he had to admit. At least they hadn't been confined to space-dock about Earth. Nogura had grudgingly given in to him, allowing the Enterprise to at least move about secured Federation space, running short patrols and interplanetary missions while the crew worked to get her ready. It wasn't searching the void but they were out in space and he loved it. But now that she was cleared Enterprise was stretching her wings for the unknown, her first long flight of another five year mission.

Captain James T. Kirk arrived at his quarters and went in. A hundred days he'd lived here and he was still getting used to the newness of it. Of everything.

Moving past the office into the living area, he poured himself a drink. It had been a long day. Sipping his drink, he fought the urge to seek out Spock. The Vulcan hadn't slept in nearly a week, putting all his effort into getting the Enterprise in shape. He needed the rest. But damn, it seemed so long since they'd had time for one another, and tonight especially he wanted to be with him.

"Computer."

"Working."

"Record. Captain's personal log, Stardate 7852.6. We're on our way at last. It's hard to believe but it's been one hundred days. One hundred days since Nogura ‘gave' my silver lady back to me. One hundred days of being a captain again, of commanding the Enterprise." He closed his eyes and drew a shaky breath. "One hundred days he's been my lover."

Erotic images immediately materialized in his mind: the two of them in bed, touching, kissing. Making love. His cock stirred.

"It's not much of an anniversary. Hell, it's not even four standard months. But it's still so incredible to me that he's here at all and that he's mine.

Leaning back, the captain of the Enterprise closed his eyes and let his mind take him back one hundred days ago. He had gone to Spock's cabin wanting answers. The Vulcan had been expecting him, standing aside without a word and gesturing for him to enter. He'd been wearing the same robe he'd worn when he first boarded. Kirk's mind conjured up the vision of his first officer in that black garment: regal and dignified. Alien. Sexy as hell. But that night, even as his eyes devoured the sight of his friend, he could still see pain lingering in the Vulcan's eyes.

They'd talked a little but Spock was still reluctant to speak of his personal hell. His anger had boiled and just when he thought he would explode, Spock looked at him. Just held his gaze. He'd never seen Spock so open or so vulnerable. Those dark eyes were just seeping into his.

"Jim."

That voice, like velvet, caressing his name.

"I have missed you so."

And he couldn't stop himself. His whole being was drawn to the other man like matter to antimatter. Reaching out he pulled the Vulcan into his arms and held him tightly. Hesitantly Spock's arms came around him. For long minutes they just stood there, clasping one another, until Kirk turned his head and pressed the lightest of kisses on his friend's neck. The hands on his back tightened. They drew apart slightly, their faces so close Kirk could feel the hot breath of the Vulcan on his skin. Daringly he kissed him again, this time on the lips, again gently, fleetingly, but a definite kiss with an unmistakable purpose. Those dark eyes quietly regarded him.

"You know what this means. There'll be no turning back if we go on.

"There has been no turning back for me for some time."

"I have to know..."

"I will never leave you again. Never."

There were no more words. All he needed to know Spock had told him. He joined their lips again but this time he pressed harder, sliding them together, teasing just a bit with his tongue, until at last he took possession of the other's mouth, and Spock welcomed him, inviting him into his heat, stroking his tongue. His hands grasped the Vulcan's head as the kiss deepened. He couldn't get enough of the taste of him. The black hair was thick and silky as he slid his hands through it, stopping only when he encountered pointed ear tips. Spock moaned into his mouth as he played with them and his cock throbbed in response. Large, hot hands were rubbing his ass and he ground his erection against the other, feeling an answering hardness. They were kissing, wetly, deeply, thrusting against one another, hands roaming, caressing.

With all his remaining control Kirk pushed the Vulcan back. Facing one another, chests heaving in air, staring at one another. Without a word Kirk spun about and went into the Vulcan's bedroom, pulling off his uniform, his white tunic, grey pants, and the impossible footwear some idiot had designed, finally stripping off his briefs. All the while not looking at Spock but knowing he was doing the same. A pile of black garments lay on the floor, the robe on top. Shifting his gaze upward, he took in the first sight of his new lover.

It was a mixed reaction that first time. Gol had not been kind to his friend. His ribs were prominent, his skin dry and pale, and his face was deeply lined, attesting to the harsh trials and pain he'd suffered. He was all sharp angles; too thin. But Spock was hard and beautiful and there was strength in that body, he'd felt it moments ago. And there was light kindling in the dark eyes, replacing the pain, a light he'd thought he'd never see again.

Unable to wait any more, he grabbed the Vulcan to him, kissing him again, maneuvering them to the bed. They toppled onto it, limbs entwining, tongues dueling, cocks thrusting. The feel of that alien prick, so hot, so hard, rubbing against his own, excited him to a level he'd never known. A hand snaked between their bodies and cupped his balls and Kirk thought he'd come right then.

"Yes, squeeze me", he'd panted, plunging his tongue back into Spock's mouth, one hand carding through ample chest hair until it found what it sought a hidden nipple. He pinched it, hard, just as Spock obeyed him, his balls tingling as that hot hand compressed them.

This wasn't the way he'd envisioned this. He had wanted it to be slow and gentle and loving this first time, but it wasn't happening. His desire, his need for the Vulcan was too strong, and Spock was just as obviously in the same state. Spock's hand rubbed up and down his back and ass, sometimes scratching, while his other hand now stroked Kirk's leaking cock. His own hands explored the Vulcan's body, caressing every inch of flesh, until one hand slipped into the crevice of the slim ass. A finger found the hidden bud and pressed in slightly. Spock gasped but arched back onto the invading digit. Encouraged, Kirk slid his finger deeper.

"Jim. " Spock's head thrashed on the bed.

"I have to have you, Spock.  Now."

"Yesss," the Vulcan hissed, a sound that nearly drove Kirk over the edge. But he wanted this too bad and held on.

"Have you... done this before?"

Spock shook his head. "There has been no one."

"Turn onto your side," he ordered. "That's it, now bend your leg"

Settling behind his lover, Kirk took the Vulcan's penis in his hand and pumped it a few times, then stripped it from base to tip, gathering the leaking moisture from the tiny slit on the head.  Carefully he reinserted his slick finger, twisting it around, adding a second finger, stretching the Vulcan. Spock's breath was coming in short gasps, his fingers gripping the sheets, eyes half-closed.  They were both ready.

Kirk fisted his own cock for a minute, spreading his fluid over his cockhead and hoping it would be enough. He positioned himself against the small opening and pushed forward.

"Oh, god," he groaned, and to his surprise and delight his cock slid slowly all the way into Spock's hot, welcoming body. Instinct immediately took over and he pulled back, only to shove back inside. Again. And again. His body quickly took up the rhythm, thrusting urgently, deeply. He was half on and half behind his lover, pumping fiercely into him, kissing his neck, sucking an earlobe, licking at the elegant tip of ear. Firmly he grasped the Vulcan's cock and squeezed and stroked it, thrilled by the moans elicited by his actions, loving the bruising force Spock's hand had on his thigh, reveling in the feel of Spock arching back into his thrusts, internal muscles contracting around his cock and milking him.

Forever, he wanted to do this to Spock forever, but the Vulcan was coming, the heavy cock spurting in his hand, his name in the air, torn from his lover's lips, and then he was coming, too, his cock jetting his seed deep into Spock's body, filling him, claiming Spock for his own as he gave himself to the Vulcan.

Kirk's eyes snapped open as his cock throbbed in the confines of his uniform. He didn't touch himself, though. It wasn't his hand he wanted. A quick glance at the chronometer - 23:30. Spock was either meditating or sleeping and even though he really wanted to be with his Vulcan tonight, he wasn't going to take the needed rest from his lover. He was recovering from his time at Gol, but he wasn't a hundred percent yet.

"Computer, end recording."

Finishing his drink, Kirk stood and stretched, planning to take a shower and by to get some sleep. He peeled off his shirt as he went into the bedroom, tossing it in the general vicinity of the recycling unit. Just then the bathroom door slid open and Spock walked through. He looked as he did one hundred days ago, clad all in black, and uncertainty and pain in his face. Kirk frowned. It was a pain he thought he'd erased these last few months.

"What's wrong, Spock?"

"Nothing. I wished to see you tonight."

"I thought you'd be resting. I didn't want to bother you."

"You are never a bother."

Kirk smiled, glad for his lover's presence. "I was thinking about you.  Us."

"As have I. Today is a day of some significance."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd think so."

Spock canted his head to one side in that endearing way he had and Kirk smiled again.

"We've been together a hundred days now."

Black brows knitted together. "I am aware of that but I thought humans counted years not days."

"They do. But it's still an anniversary for us, and we're back out here, on the Enterprise, where we belong."

"1 was thinking of another anniversary." Dark eyes held his steadily. "It is three years ago today that I left you."

Kirk's smile faded. He knew the date and hadn't wanted to think about it. "Why bring this up now?"

"I never explained why I left."

"Spock, don't. I know I demanded answers from you but I've accepted that you can't give that to me. What's important is that we're together now. That's enough for me."

"It is not enough. You deserve to know this. I should have spoken to you that first night but I could not find the words."

"You don't need to do this." Kirk suddenly realized he didn't know if he was ready to hear it now. Or ever. It was the worst time in his life and he had no wish to relive it tonight.

"I need to speak of it. If our relationship is to grow and flourish then this matter must be resolved. I do not wish for this shadow between us any longer."

Kirk ran a hand through his hair. This wasn't exactly how he wanted to spend this night with his lover but if Spock was finally ready to talk to him about it then he should listen. Spock obviously needed this and deep inside Kirk knew he did too. There was still a remnant of anger and a need for answers. The last thing he wanted was to have this haunt their future.

"Give me just a minute."

Going into the bathroom he stripped, took a quick shower, and then pulled on his robe. When he returned to the bedroom Spock was sitting cross-legged on the bed, his legs hidden under the blanket. The black pants he had worn before were neatly placed over a chair. The sight made his heart skip a beat, and his chest tightened. It was still so amazing to him that Spock was here, settled on his bed in such an intimate way as only lovers can. Kirk sat beside him, leaning against the headboard and waited.

"We are so different and because of those differences I do not know how much of this you will understand." Spock paused and took a deep breath. "The question that has defined my very existence is whether I am Vulcan or human. My parents, my clan, my teachers, all of Vulcan, asked this question. Everyone judged my by this. It did not matter that I was raised in the Vulcan Way or that after my Kahs'wan I chose that way for my life. I was never accepted as a Vulcan. It was the primary motivation for leaving my home world for Starfleet. Part of my thinking was that since I looked and acted as a Vulcan, the humans I would now live with would accept me as such. I have come to learn it was also a very human type of defiance, to move among humans and yet not be swayed by them. I believed that by remaining true to Vulcan doctrine even with constant exposure to humans it would prove I was a Vulcan."

"It worked. I don't think anyone saw you as being human."

"I was correct that because of my appearance I was thought of as a Vulcan. However, I encountered numerous prejudices against me for being an alien. There were also those humans who knew I was only half Vulcan and constantly challenged me, trying to make me ‘feel' as a human. When I could not respond as they wished hostility and rejection often followed."

"We must have hurt you a great deal."

"Jim, do you remember Psi 2000?"

"You said you never told your mother you loved her. You told me you were ashamed of our friendship."

"I was not ashamed of you but of myself. As a Vulcan I was not supposed to be feeling such friendship for you. Understand, Jim, that Vulcan doctrine had taught me that emotions were a thing to be avoided-they had nearly caused the extinction of my people. Yet I could not stop them. My hybrid nature complicated things further, because any human emotion I experienced was alien to my Vulcan nature and upbringing, and my human half hurt at the denial and suppression of any emotion. Every feeling was painful, and a thing of shame for me. It was difficult enough before you assumed command of the Enterprise."

Kirk paled. He'd suspected Spock's flight to Vulcan was his fault and now Spock was confirming it.

"No, Jim. I would have eventually returned to Vulcan even if we had never met. So many years among humans had eroded my controls. Your arrival in my life merely...hastened the process."

"That doesn't make me feel much better."

"Jim, you were the only person I had met who did not judge me as Vulcan or human. You alone allowed me to experience my humanness and in a way that did not compromise my Vulcan heritage. ‘Be the best of both worlds' you once said to me. But the pain was still there, and the shame always accompanied it. I did not want to feel so much yet it was impossible not to. As our friendship grew I was responding more and more to you but that very response was a sign of failure as a Vulcan."

Spock drew a deep breath, as if steadying himself "In time I discovered my emotions regarding you were deeper than I realized. You were more than a friend to me; you were t'hy'la: my heart. It made matters worse because along with every other emotion I had for you a new one had now surfaced-jealousy."

"Oh, Spock." Kirk reached out and took Spock's hands in his.

"You did nothing wrong. You were entitled to live your life as you wanted, and you were not responsible for my errant emotions."

"I was lonely and the weight of command was taking its toll on me. I was looking for someone I could share my life with. Spock, I didn't know it then but I was looking for you." Kirk stroked the fevered fingers in his hand with his thumb. "There was a night, after you were gone, that I was reviewing the old logs and I came across the one of Flint's planet. I couldn't believe how fast and how deep I felt for Rayna. It didn't make sense. Until I realized that subconsciously she reminded me of you." Kirk smiled as both brows rose at his confession. "She was extremely educated and brilliant yet innocent gentle and caring. I knew there was a lot to her beneath the surface. Just like you, Spock. I wondered why I never realized it sooner. But you were my first officer, and I was attracted to women, and as far as I knew you had no desire for any intimate relationships. You turned down every one I ever saw approach you, never took shore leave."

"You are correct in that-I did not wish for a sexual relationship with anyone, not even you, even though I loved you. At that time I could not accept such a liaison. But my thoughts were ever on you. Sometimes, when I would meditate, your image would be there in my mind. I began dreaming, as no Vulcan does, and in those dreams we were lovers. It disturbed me. Then I realized a dangerous pattern was emerging. Whenever you were in danger my logic would leave me. My only thought was to retrieve you or protect you. I was disregarding my duty and risking your ship and crew."

"I was the same way with you. I probably still am. No, Spock," Kirk forestalled the Vulcan s protest "we'll deal with it. Later. Let's finish what we started tonight for now."

Spock nodded. "I could not remain on the Enterprise any longer. My only option was to return to Vulcan."

"To Gol. To undergo the Kolinahr."

"I thought I might find peace from all the conflict that had been a constant in my life once and for all."

"By erasing all your emotions. Was it that easy to forget me, Spock?" Kirk couldn't keep the bitterness from his voice.

"Had I forgotten you I would not be here now. I would be a priest at Gol." The deep baritone was harsh and the Vulcan pulled his hands free. "Forgive," he continued, his voice softer now, "That was unworthy." Spock drew a breath.

"I thought I had succeeded on Gol. I had performed every ritual, passed every test. The Masters had acknowledged my readiness to join them completely in the total logic of Kolinhar. And once again you entered my life."

"You mentioned that once, that you heard me?"

"In my mind I heard your puzzlement over V'Ger and your wish for my presence. I felt you, so strongly." Spock sighed softly. "It was then I realized that all my effort had been in vain. I had not exorcised my human half. It was, in fact, very much present in me. Deep within it had hidden; deceiving me into believing I had eliminated it once and for all. But like a predator that has carefully stalked its prey, it was simply unseen, only to appear when weakness is detected. The moment I heard your call I knew I could no longer ignore it."

"You did a pretty good job hiding it when you came aboard." An accusation, Kirk knew, but if they were really going to put this behind them then they had to talk about all of it. "It was painful for me to see you on the bridge so suddenly, with all my feelings for you rushing up inside. Then you were so cold. And not just to me. You were callous to everyone who had once called you friend."

The Vulcan looked away for a moment. "I know. I deeply regret that. But at that moment I had lost everything I had tried to achieve since leaving the Enterprise. I was an open wound, raw and exposed. I could hardly face you. It took every ounce of training to maintain control. V'Ger's thoughts had touched my mind when I was still on Vulcan, as I had told you. Kolinhar was closed to me forever, and I thought perhaps I could find my answers in V'Ger."

"More deceptive thinking if you ask me."

"I must admit I was only too eager to be deceived again. It was quite a profound experience when I melded with V'Ger. The knowledge, the total logic of its being..."   Spock's voice trailed off, and his gaze was fixed on some far point of the room. For a horrible moment Kirk thought his lover was regretting not finding some way to kill off his emotions and become like the machine-entity. But no, one hundred days of loving one another had not been wrong. He was Spock's answer, not V'Ger. He knew it, and the Vulcan's next words confirmed it.

"All the knowledge of the universe and it could not be whole. It was empty, its very existence worthless."

"This simple feeling," Kirk said quietly and held out his hand out. Spock clasped it firmly.

"This is your gift to me, Jim-this ability to feel. I can finally accept that I am Vulcan and human, and neither. I am Spock."

"It still hurts sometimes, though, doesn't it?"

"Change is never easy or quick- But I am no longer ashamed of what I am or what I feel. Your friendship and love have freed me."

"It's what I've always wanted for you, Spock. You've done the same for me, you know. When you left I was...devastated. It was as if a part of myself was gone. I tried to forget you, I even got married, but it didn't last"

"I read the report. I grieve with you."

"It's terrible that she died like that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Lori was good for me for a while. She got me through those first awful months of not having you or the Enterprise. But in about six months we both knew the marriage was over. We weren't in love. We had different goals, different ideas about what we wanted from one another. I wanted you and she could never be you."

"I am sorry for the pain I caused you. But I also believe that we would not be here today, in this manner, if the past were different."

"Maybe, but I can't help but think that we could have saved ourselves a lot of pain. Still, I'm glad you told me all this, Spock. When I was alone before I was remembering our first night together, when we made love. I think somewhere inside I was trying to concentrate on that and what we have now so I wouldn't think about that time when you left. I didn't realize it before but I was harboring some anger toward you. Not anymore. I have my answers and I understand. It happened and we've learned from it and now it's time to put it behind us and look to the future."

"It is what I wished for as well. I regret it took me this long to speak of it but I am still learning to live with my emotions.

"So long as you remember that if you ever think you can't deal with them you'll turn to me, not from me.

"That is a promise."

"Well, now that we've taken care of the unhappy anniversary what should we do about the good one?" Kirk gently rubbed the back of his hand against Spock's cheek. Spock's hand covered his, and the Vulcan gently pressed a kiss against it.

"100 days is not an official anniversary."

"It is if we want it to be. Unless you're too tired?"

"I am never too tired for you."

Kirk chuckled. "I noticed. Is that Vulcan stamina or human lust?"

A brow quirked. "Perhaps both."

Gods, he loved Spock. Wrapping his hand round the Vulcan's neck he pulled them into a kiss.  Tongues quickly met, exchanging teasing licks. Deft hands undid the belt of his robe and pushed it open so skilled fingers could play with his nipples. Kirk groaned, rising to his knees, Spock following, their mouths still locked together. Unfastening the seam on Spock's robe, his hand slid through the soft curls that covered his lover's chest, letting go only long enough to allow Spock to remove his robe. His skin tingled in the cabin air. Hotter-than-human hands explored his skin, outlining the muscles in his arms, shoulders and chest. Fingers briefly toyed with his nipples again before moving on, skimming his abdomen then sliding around his back, teasing lower and lower until those hot hands settled on the captain's ass. Kirk moaned softly as those strong fingers squeezed him.

His hands were busy stroking fevered skin. Spock had been steadily recuperating from the rigors of Gol; his skin was no longer thin and parched but firm and soft, encasing titanium muscles. He had gained some weight, looking more like his slender self than gaunt. The deep lines would always be etched in his face but they weren't as stark and harsh as when he first boarded the Enterprise, having been tempered by his loving care the last few months.

His gentle caresses firmed, transforming into demanding strokes as his cock hardened, his mouth now fastened on the strong neck, sucking, leaving a mark. Damn, he could never get enough of Spock. Growling, Kirk rolled them over onto the bed. Spock pushed his hips forward, the searing heat of the Vulcan's cock enflaming him further.

Kirk pushed his arms under Spock's back, hands curled over his shoulders. Spock's legs splayed wide, yielding to him, his hands pressing on his ass, urging him to move

Kirk did. Quickly they fell into natural cadence with one another, hips thrusting, hands gripping, mouths seeking any available flesh to suck and kiss. It felt so good. Fleetingly his mind conjured other delights: of sucking off his first officer, of sliding his cock into the Vulcan's heated mouth. Maybe fucking each other. But it was just so good moving together like this, feeling the strong body writhing beneath him, cocks rubbing together, slicking one another. But any thought of doing anything else was forgotten when long fingers settled on his face

"Yes, Spock, do it," Kirk rasped, opening his mind to the Vulcan. This was the gift of Spock Vulcan heritage: that their minds could touch, bringing them closer than the physical. Searing heat sought his coolness and their thoughts steamed as they merged deeper. Instantly Kirk felt his lover's pleasure and it amplified his own, but it was being able to actually feel Spock's emotions firsthand that always awed Kirk. Their love was like a living entity, swirling around them, igniting sparks, penetrating his very soul. Tonight it seemed even stronger, and Kirk knew it was because the last lingering traces of sorrow and loneliness were dissipating.

The mounting pleasure was almost too much. Their movements became frenzied as orgasm approached.

"JIM," Spock cried out. Keeping his thrusts steady, Kirk pushed up, bracing his hands so he could watch the love-contorted face of his Vulcan, calling out his name as he abandoned himself to utter passion. The sight of Spock coming, spattering his seed over his heaving body, never failed to push him over the edge. With a cry of his own Kirk came, his own seed mixing with his alien lover's.

His energy was gone, stripped by the shattering orgasm and he dropped heavily onto Spock. It didn't matter. His lover's strength would always be there for him. As if he'd been heard, Spock's arm enclosed about him.

"T'hy'la," Spock murmured, kissing his cheek. When their breathing finally quieted Kirk shifted, rolling off to the side, Spock following him so they were both on their sides.

"Happy anniversary," Kirk whispered.

"Indeed."

Spock snuggled close, resting his head on Kirk's shoulder. Kirk smiled at the intimate gesture.  Those years apart were a steadily fading memory now, the last 100 days, and tonight especially, bringing final healing to them both. Drowsily, Kirk wondered what the next 100 years would bring. He smiled, drifting to sleep wrapped securely in strong arms, thinking of all those years to come.

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