Did you know that it is raining outside? Well it is. I can hear the rain as it splatters against the windowsill outside my room. Getting out of my nice warm bed and looking out my window, I can see that it is a cold and dreary day outside. to be honest the dreary weather outside fits my mood... cold and dark. You see I had to do something today that I knew needed doing. Yet, knowing it needed doing did not make it any easier.
You see today was the day that I told Lori that I was not going to be renewing our marriage contract this time around.
To be honest I think she knew it was coming. The reason that I think this was that I noticed when I looked into her crystalline blue eyes and said the words that I knew needed to be expressed well I did not see any surprise nor any shock at what I was saying. To be honest, she looked more as if she understood where I was coming from. Never could hide anything from Lori. She always seemed to know what I was thinking.
However, she had a game to play. She wanted to give me a chance to back down. So she asked me if I was sure about my decision. I told her yes, I was sure. She then asked me if I thought we could work out our problems. I replied simply, that I did not have a problem with her. that it was I alone who was to blame for any problems in our marriage. I was unhappy and all I wanted was for her to be happy. Therefore, I was letting her go, hopefully to find happiness.
She nodded her head as if she understood. She then packed her bags and left the apartment. You would have thought that the three years we were together would have meant more to her. An argument... some tears... something. However, no, she just left with the same three bags that she came with. Nothing else. Not a whole lot of memories packed in those bags for three years of marriage.
So now, you understand Spock how it is that I come to find myself all alone once again. this seems to be a bad habit of mine. In the end, everyone leaves me. First my father. He left when i was little. A wife and two kids were not enough to keep him around the house. He needed the action of a starship and space to make him happy.
Then there was Ruth. Who was my first true love. I would have climbed Mount Selya for her. But I was not enough for her. She found this young Commander and went off with him. Leaving a young, pimply faced Jimmy Kirk crying in his beer.
then there was Carol. She only wanted to be a scientist. Being with a Starship captain just wasn't her idea of what she wanted her life to be. It took me years to forgive her for keeping my son hidden from me. There are others too Spock but enough is enough. I am tired of being left behind! I want...need more than that now. I need you!
So you tell me Spock just how I could tell her the truth. that it is you that I need by my side. Not just some pretty little package that some admiral from somewhere ordered to warm my bed.
All I know is that there is this terrible ache deep inside of me that just seems to get bigger and bigger with each passing day.
As bad, as the days are without you my Vulcan friend the nights are by far the worse.
You see at nightI can dream. what is worse is that my dreams lead me to places that my daylight hours never did. Places that I can only hope to have in reality.
You see in my dreams, I see us touching in ways that we never did in reality. I can feel your arms holding me.
Your lips gently pressing against mine with a passion that I never felt before. I can feel your mind joyously joined with mine. I can sense a sharing of our Souls tha I can never duplicate with another being. Not that I would ever want to because I am coming to understand more and more in my dreams that I can never ever have what I have with you.
Then when the dream is over and I awaken, it is then that I cry out in pain. A pain so intense....an ache so deep.... a loss so colossal that I have not the words to express how I feel to you. All I know is that I want in the day... what it is that I have at night.
Please Spock, I do not want to walk alone anymore. I need you. I have always needed you. I want you beside me. I want to work with you. To play with you. To make love with you.
God Spock, I want you more than in my dreams. I need you here! Now! Beside me. In the daylight hours.
I wish I could say all this to your face my friend. But I know that just is not possible. You are on Vulcan. Doing your Kolinahr thing. At least that is what your father told me.
Did you know that I looked for you back then? It was when I still had hope. However, you were unreachable. Vulcan customs and all. I have to believe that you knew it would be that way. that you knew the Kolinahr adepts would not let you see me. Perhaps it was easier for you that way.
Perhaps if you had seen me, talked with me, explained to me why you were leaving... then perhaps you could not have left. Perhaps secretly packing your bags and beaming yourself aboard that slow moving transport, and leaving without a single word to me... made our parting easier for you.
All I know is that you left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart! Left me to lose myself in a job I did not want, a marriage that was a shadow of what we had, and the loss of all that I had worked so hard for.
God Spock if only I knew why you left me, perhaps then I could let you go. Did I hurt you in some way? Did you sense my changing feelings for you? Did I ask for something you were unable to give me. Did I drive you away from me? was all this pain... all this loss... all this suffering... My Fault?
God Spock I ache for you... aren't you able to understand that with you gone I have lost the most important part of myself.
I am only half a man without you my friend. I only wish you understood this as I have come to.