Jim takes the gang meet his relatives over the Christmas Holiday.
Title: Creepy Holidays
Characters: Kirk/Spock, McCoy/Uhura and others
Warnings: General weirdness
Summary: Home for the holidays.
A/N: Jim takes his fiancé and his friends to visit his faily. The characters are from the movie ‘verse, not the television show.
A/N2: Once again, blame Pamdizzle for this. It’s not vampires in a brothel but…..
Disclaimer: You know I don't own or know any of these people. Purely my imagination.
1313 Cemetery Lane.
Spock stepped out of the car, clasped his hands behind his back and turned to his fiancé. “Jim, I know you are what is referred to as a prankster, but the need to pull such an escapade at this time? Surely, this cannot be the right place.” He’d been driving for the last four hours of the trip and, after being subjected to the gabbing of his car mates, dreamed of meditating. This place wasn’t his idea of the ideal environment for a vacation. Spock raised an eyebrow as he spoke to his friend Nyota. “He is, as you humans say, ‘playing’.”
Leonard got out of the back seat. “I don’t think he’s playing.”
Jim took in the house. “Isn’t she great?”
The sky, which had been clear just a moment ago, was darkened by the grey clouds hanging over the house as Spock, Nyota and Leonard eyed the building.
Nyota turned to Spock. “It looks like a mausoleum.”
Nyota walked over to her friend and grabbed his arm. She turned the beaming boy so he faced him.
“Okay, you really got us. But need I remind you, this is Christmas not April Fool’s day.”
Jim let out a whoop then picked up the startled woman and spun around. When he put her down, he asked, “Did I ever tell you that I was adopted?” Spock didn’t quite sigh as he regarded his intended mate. “No, really, my mom and dad aren’t my biological parents.
“Adopted?” Nyota moved away casting a nervous glance in her friends’ direction.
Leonard started to chuckle. “Okay, Jimmyboy, the joke’s gone on long enough. What’s the punch line?
Jim was still studying the house. “Bones, this is no joke.” He indicated the house with a sweeping motion. “You’ve heard of the technology. I can’t explain it, but my “mom” and “dad” wanted children but neither of them was able.” He paused. “Even advanced technology wasn’t able to help them.
Leonard considered what his friend told him. “That meant neither of them had a viable sperm or egg.”
Jim nodded and started towards the gate. “True, but my dad has great relatives.”
Spock followed him…… “How so?”
“There was a way.” He smiled. “My dad’s brother offered to donate the sperm and his sister-in-law the egg-”
“-and you were conceived in a medical facility-”
“-have petri dish will travel.” He grinned. “After they made sure I was stable-”
“That’s a relative term,” mumbled Leonard.
Jim rolled his eyes as Nyota giggled. “I was implanted in my mom’s womb.”
Nyota tilted her head to the side as she took in his features. “But why do you bear such a strong resemblance to George Kirk?”
Spock responded, “Genetic manipulation of the ovum before implantation. Fascinating.”
Jim grinned as he held out his two fingers to the other man. “See, Spock, we do have something in common.”
Spock touched the fingers with his own. “I was never in doubt of that.”
“If you two are gonna get mushy, I’m going back to the ship,” Leonard groused.
Nyota slapped his arm. “Leave them alone, Len. I think they’re cute together.
Jim laughed; he was vibrating with energy. “I can’t wait for you to meet the folks.”
He rushed up to the gate and threw it open. The other three covered their ears at the squeal that threatened to deafen them. Jim, however, tossed them a grin and bounded towards the house.
He had only taken a couple of steps when Spock shouted “Jim, look out!” as an arrow whizzed towards his oblivious fiancé’s head. Without breaking his stride, Jim reached up and plucked the projectile, just centimeters away from his head, from the air.
His friends were frozen at the boy’s expression. The number of teeth showing in the stretched mouth would have put a shark to shame. They took in the flared nostrils, the dilated pupils and the red flush.
My god, Leonard thought, he looks like a madman. The next thing he did only re-enforced her perception.
The bellow seemed to shake the very house itself, or was it the blast of dynamite?
Spock stepped forward ready to rush to the aid of his captain. Out of the corner of his mouth he said, “I am 99% certain that we can grab the captain and make it to the vehicle before…” Nyota’s gasp brought him up short.
Out of the tall grass stepped someone…or something.
The pale, thin face topped an equally thin body covered by a shapeless black dress. In stark contrast to the face, jet black hair parted in the middle hung in two braids over the shoulders. The female’s expression mirrored Jim’s, but where his grin was shark-like, hers more resembled a lion readying itself to feast on recent kill.
But, this wasn’t the worst part, oh no, that was reserved for the wicked-looking crossbow hanging casually from her pale hand.
When the girl--she looked to be about 13--opened her mouth, her voice was monotone.
“Ah, my dear brother, you still have eyes in the back of your head.”
He tossed the arrow back to the child. “Yeah, but the hair covers them.”
Nyota gripped Leonard’s arm. “He’s kidding, right? Tell me he’s kidding.”
The man winced and tried to pull his arm away.
Jim faced his friends and grinned. “Nyota, Spock, Bones meet my sister, Wednesday.”
“Mmm…fresh meat.” The three swore she licked her lips.
Jim laughed. “Wednesday, be nice. Besides…” He indicated Spock with a fond expression on his face. “This one’s my fiancé, you can’t eat him.”
“He’s kidding, right? Tell me he’s kidding.” Nyota’s voice had risen to a higher register.
"Besides, they’re not in season.” The last part was whispered to himself.
From the two gulps and the muttered “indeed”, he was sure they heard.
“Mother and Father are waiting for you.”
“Good. Come on, guys. Mother and Father will just love you to death.”
“That’s what we’re afraid of,” muttered Leonard.
Jim tossed a, ‘good one, Bones’, over his shoulder and lead Spock towards the front door.
Nyota took a deep breath as she and Leonard followed them.
Jim lifted the brass knocker and when he lowered it the bang echoed somewhere inside the enormous structure. The hinges protested as the door edged open.
Their eyes started at its knees and climbed up, up and further up until encountering a blond Frankenstein-like figure. Spock immediately moved to situate himself between Jim and the blond giant. When the creature spoke, his voice was a deep rumble.
Jim tried to peek around Spock, an activity he found quite difficult with Nyota and Bones trying to drag him away. “Lurch, how are you?”
Sunken eyes flicked down. “Maaasterrr Jim.”
“Yep. Good to see you.” With a twist, Jim extricated himself from the group. “Meet my friends.” The eyes rolled towards them. Lurch groaned.
“Are mom and dad home?”
Another groan. “In theee paaarlooorrrr.”
Jim clapped him on the back. “Thanks, old man. Have my cousins arrived?”
The big man moaned. Jim’s lips pulled back.
Was that a grin? thought Spock, fascinating.
“I hope they get here soon. “Jim turned to the others. “I really want you to meet them. In the meantime, come on everyone. Let me introduce you to the folks.” Grabbing Spock by the hand, he hauled him towards the closed doors. “Come on, Spock, Bones” he called over his shoulder, “they don’t bite.”
Leonard’s expression telegraphed that he wasn’t too sure of that last statement, but he followed. The strain of music-was that a harpsichord?-floated on the air. When they came to the parlor doors, instead of releasing Spock’s hand, Jim brought up his foot and kicked the door lock.
The door slammed open.
“Jim!” Spock sprang forward as silver flew through the air. As he tackled the thrower he applied the Vulcan Neck pinch… but he was too late. Jim’s head whipped to the and when he faced forward, his friends stared. Clutched between his teeth was an S-curved dagger.
“Bravo, boy. You’ve still got it.” The three crew members gaped as the man who, instead of being incapacitated, roared with laughter. “Your friend is quite the grappler.” He then performed a movement so smooth that Spock found himself on his back. The man flowed to his feet still grinning. The swarthy, yet debonair-looking man, slender in his gray attire, reached up a hand and smoothed back his hair. His other hand he extended to Jim who grasped the hand and then promptly flipped the older man onto his back. His other hand brought the dagger to the man’s throat and sliced him. The man screamed with glee. Leonard and Nyota stood rooted to the spot.
“First blood. A true Addams.” Three heads performed a slow swivel to regard a pale woman in a black dress that was so tight it looked like a second skin.
“Indeed, Tish,” the man purred. Jim released him and the man reclined back on both his elbows. “Of course, you must allow me to return the favor.”
Jim reached down a hand. “Naturally.” The man grabbed it and immediately flipped the boy. The air whooshed out of him as he hit the floor. During the display, Bones and Nyota were backing reaching for nonexistent phasers. Jim swiveled his head towards his three friends. “I’d like you all to meet my parents, Morticia and Gomez Addams.”
Nyota spun towards the door and into a breathing brick wall. She bounced back, grabbed at Leonard and they hit the floor.
Lurch groaned. “Dinnerrrrr is prepaaarred.”
Arching his back, Gomez sprung from the floor. “Chop, chop,” he said to Jim.
Morticia seemed to glide towards them and offered a hand down to Spock. “Oui…mustn’t keep mama waiting.”
Before the Vulcan could ponder on this new madness, Gomez’s hand shot out and pulled her to his side. Starting at her fingertips, he kissed up her arm until her reached her chin. Between kisses, he exclaimed, “Tish, caro mio, you spoke French…speak some more.”
She tsked, “Now, now Gomez. Food now. French later.”
He pulled back. “Of course. Besides…” He led her to the door. “…our three guests would be much more comfortable on the bed of nails…Lurch!”
Seeing the towering creature reaching towards them broke the of the crew members. Spock grabbed Jim and was shouldered the butler out of the way. “Captain-” was all he said before the three were scrambling over each other in a fashion best executed by the Three Stooges; they tore through the parlor doorway and out of the house, legs pumping, and rushed to the car. Casting a final bug-eyed glance towards the house, three pairs of hands yanked open the doors and three bodies dove into the car. The blue-gray smoke thrown from the spinning tires blanketed the street as the car sped away.
“James’ friends are quite strange,” observed Morticia.
“Yes, but then my brother has always raised him to be weird,” Gomez added.
Mortica laid her palm against his cheek shrugged. “Oui, mon cher, mais, the heart can’t help what the heart wants.”
“Tish.” He began raining kisses from her fingertips to her shoulders as she lead him back into the housed. As the door closed, no one noticed the Black ’67 Impala pulling up to the door.
“Dude.” Dean jerked the car to the curb and jumped out. “Those dorks almost hit us.”
“I know.” Sam slid out and walked around to his brother. He ran his hands over the other man as he checked him for injuries. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just pissed off.”
“Well, don’t upset Jim. He’s bringing his fiancé to meet the family today.” He moved towards the house and Dean followed.
“Don’t get all chick-flick on me.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of the disappearing car. “As long as they aren’t as crazy as those boneheads, we’ll get along just fine.”