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Author's Chapter Notes:

Not sure what to say about this...
Just born of more pain I gues...


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There was a time when I thought love was forever. A time which I now keep in a very dark place in the back of my mind. There is much stored away in that darkness; memories, feelings, him. If I can bear the pain of opening up that part of me, I am reminded of the times that I thought I knew what it was to be loved, to have it reciprocated. Times long since past.   There was a time when I thought love was forever. A far off time that is not the here and now, a now that is no more than the clouded noon that I view from a window that allows me to see the rain fall to the ground. People walk beneath my view, their umbrellas shielding them from the weather as they drowsily make their way from one place to the next. They barely register; I simply stare off into the distance, seeing what is in that dark recess of my mind where I have locked him away. There I play through all those times when love still seemed real, when he was still here to hold me. The pain is overwhelming.   There was a time, long ago when I thought love was forever. That he would never leave me, that his arms would always hold me, that I would feel his soft kisses against my skin, that his hands would wrap around my warmer fingers. Even the memories fade, more echoes than actual memories. 

They began to rot away without my consent, pieces becoming lost the more time went by, becoming only half of what they were. And yet, now I torment myself with trying to remember everything, try to repair what is no longer there. However, my attempts are in vein, for those missing pieces were taken by him.   He truly left me with nothing to fill in the holes; no pictures, no letters, no objects that signaled he was ever here. He even took the things that were once in my mind. I can remember him, what we had, and yet… 
things are missing and faded; memories of our lovemaking, waking to the smell of him, memories of evenings alone together, the way he tasted upon my tongue…

I can’t even picture his face anymore. I know what he looks like, but when I go to conjure an image in my mind only a blurred outline manifests. He left me with only the things that were so much a part of me he could not erase them and they are few in numbers. He could not destroy the bond or the memories associated with it, it simply ran too deep for even him to obliterate. His time, our bonding, and his leaving are the most vivid of all.

For the thousandth time I mentally run my essence over the cold link. He has blocked me out. I can feel nothing, but I continue to run along it, for it’s the only real thing that assures me he was really here, it is the only thing that I have left of him. For months, I have done this repeatedly, praying he will somehow feel how much I need him and come back. 

Wrapping my arms strongly around my knees, I bring my legs closer to my chest, laying my head atop them. I feel cold, but still I remind myself, I don’t believe in love. The only thing eternal is pain. I have to keep repeating this in my mind so that that I won't admit to myself thet the tears now running down my face are for him. 

Chapter End Notes:


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It is, what it is. 


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