Jim never expected to be sitting in the nearest dive bar to his and Spock’s apartment crying over his boyfriend/fiancé/husband-by-Vulcan-standards (metaphorically anyway). He knew he should be spending as much time as he could with Spock before Starfleet forced the couple to be light years apart for the duration. But Jim wasn’t ready to spend time with his husband (or whatever), mostly because he said a few things he shouldn’t have in Pike’s office and he probably would be sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity (if Spock’s BFF was not already occupying it). He blamed the fucking Admiralty for this mess, including Admiral Marcus and the other idiots-that-be that openly hated Jim with a fiery passion. Jim wanted to get as drunk as possible and forget about the fight with Spock. Okay, he really wanted to punch something or possibly have angry wall sex with Spock (and only Spock, evidenced by the fact that he flashed his engagement ring, also known as the interplanetary symbol for ‘get away from me I am taken’, at the brunette who sat down next to him). He wasn’t exactly sure what to say to Spock, which was why Jim was still hiding at the bar, hoping that if he got drunk enough, maybe he would have the balls to talk to Spock.
He wished Dr. Suarez were still around. None of this would be happening if she were still assigned to his ship (not that it's really his anymore). This disaster made him really miss his favorite therapist (still living). Because Jim wasn’t exactly ready to go home, (or rather to his temporary quarters), he decided to e-mail the good doctor. It was probably a better idea than getting plastered.
Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:35:11
Subject: I told you everything would go to hell after you left.
Why did you have to leave me for the Vulcan colony again? Now I remember, it is because we work for fucking morons. I knew everything was going to go to hell the moment you left Enterprise. I knew that we weren't ready for you not to be here, but nobody listens to me.
First, Spock's suicidal tendencies have popped up with a vengeance. You know that the idiots-that-be pulled us from New Vulcan early so we could watch a volcano practically destroy an early civilization while we obeyed the Prime Directive. You know I absolutely despise no win scenarios and well, Spock was already guilty enough about the last planet that was destroyed on his watch. Therefore, we came up with a plan to make sure the volcano did not wipe out the civilization in question. I won't bore you with specifics, but everything sort of fell apart and my only choices were to let my husband first officer die or risk the local inhabitants seeing Enterprise, i.e., violate the Prime Directive. Okay, we both know that when it comes to choosing between the Prime Directive and my husband first officer, I'm going to choose Spock.
I knew there were going to be consequences, but I didn't care. It was Spock. I couldn't let him die when there was something I could do about it. Fuck the rules. (By the way, my idiot boyfriend actually expected me to just follow the rules and leave him there to die. I told you he was backsliding.)
Bones and I got in a fight about the whole thing. He was sure that Spock would have left me there if the situation were reversed. I know better, because I'm pretty sure Spock cares more about me than his own safety (remember the kidnapping incident). Bones and I also had a not-fun argument after Spock was safely out of harm’s way, where I accused my sometimes-best-friend of being jealous of my boyfriend. Actually, Bones got in a fight with his girlfriend, or should I say ex-girlfriend, about the whole thing too. He said that she was still too concerned with Spock for him to just be her ex-boyfriend and well, that's why she's now his ex-girlfriend. That's also why Nyota is currently sleeping on our couch. Spock doesn’t want her to be alone during the break up.
Actually, she’s so mad at Bones that she asked my permission to randomly make out with Spock just to piss off her boyfriend, and you know I said yes because that was dirty sex fantasy number 23 on my list. (I think you need to call Nyota. Spock almost dying may have caused some flashbacks to the Marc situation. I think the other reason why she sleeping on our couch is, she is afraid Spock will return to his previous self-destructive behavior.)
I just want to let you know that the wonderful Stacy was a complete prick (as predicted) and I'm sure he is in cahoots with one of the idiots-that-be that fucking hates me. It turns out there's more than one and they're all assholes. If you were still on board, we would have just sent Starfleet a very abbreviated version of what happened on Nibiru. However, because of Stacy, I had to tell the truth.
I have been mentally preparing myself for the fallout, which in my mind would be me and Spock switching places. You and I both know Spock would make a much better captain. First, he actually understands all the completely arcane and asinine rules of Starfleet. I feel like I'm drowning even after a year. With Spock with me, I'm doing okay. It's just sometimes I think it would be better if our roles were reversed. You know that I like it when he takes control in the bedroom and I think that it would be easy to transfer that over to the work setting. Sometimes, it's just easier to let Spock take care of things. You know with my childhood, I've always had to be the one in charge. I never had someone just take care of me and I like that.
I could be the best first officer ever for him. But the way things are now, I am always doubting myself. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time. Even I know that the reason why the death tolls are not higher is that I've been lucky. You know I pretend to be the cockiest asshole alive, but it's just an act. Other than you, Spock is the only one who knows that. There's no fucking way I was ever going to let Stacy know that. I've been acting like a cockier asshole than normal just to keep up appearances.
Despite how I normally behave, I knew there were going to be some consequences, although that’s mostly because of getting yelled at by Stacy for 2 hours (I'm sure he was just a spy for Marcus). I was mentally preparing myself to lose the ship and for my boyfriend to become my boss.
(I may have warned Pike about what happened, just in case he could keep things from being so bad.) .
I know I did something wrong, according to the stupid rules, but I was still sure that I would get to keep the most important thing in the world to me, and that wasn't Enterprise.
They took SPOCK, the bastards. They left me on Enterprise. Although, that probably only happened because Pike knew about what was going to happen and managed to sit on the supposedly secret tribunal. I'm now reporting to Pike because Marcus really is an asshole, and this is some sort of sadomasochistic torture on his part. I can deal with that part of the punishment, (even if I don’t think I really did something that wrong), but the dicks-that-be are sending Spock to another ship, away from me and all his friends. That hurts more than anything else. They said that we can't serve together ever because we put each other first instead of Starfleet.
That's fucking bullshit. If it were anybody else on my crew down there, I would have done the same damn thing. I told you this a thousand times before, but if I have to choose between saving a life and following some stupid regulation, I'm going to choose to save a life. Their type of thinking is what got my brother dead. Why send assistance to a planet with only a few thousand starving people? They’re too concerned with the letter of the law and not its spirit. The idiots don't give a fuck about anything but their fucking rules. They don't care. Because they don't care, I'm getting separated from my husband
I mean boyfriend
Oh fuck, what does it matter, I'm completely in love with the guy. Are labels really that important?
Okay, so I may have said some things to Spock that would get me on the couch if it wasn't already being occupied by Nyota. I may have blamed him for the entire thing because he was the one that suggested that we needed to be completely honest with Starfleet because Stacy was going to screw us over anyway. I was then informed by Chris that if I had lied on the report, I would be getting shipped back to the academy instead of just being demoted to first officer (without Spock).
Right now, I'm hiding in a dive bar avoiding Spock. Don't worry; I'm not going to get into what I used to do at bars when I got completely drunk. I've already flashed my vintage engagement ring (that looks like a wedding ring) about 12 times. Contrary to popular belief, you know I’m not a space slut.
I just need some time to think. I'm fucking terrified. How can we maintain our relationship if we are stuck on different ships? Then there is the fact that my husband, boyfriend, or whatever, has suicidal tendencies and I'm not sure his new captain is going to look out for him like I do. Nyota won't even be there to watch his back.
Do you think there's any way you can switch to the Bradbury? I need someone with him that I can trust.
Jim barely had time to order another beer before a message popped up from his favorite therapist.
Subject: Swallow your pride and apologize
Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:43:54
I think I am going to need to schedule a video conference with you and Spock because this isn't something I can address with an email. I don’t know whether to start on your low self-esteem or your arrogance. You’re the only one I know who has both issues simultaneously.
However, my first piece of advice is to stop hiding in a bar and go talk to your husband, especially before you decide to do something stupid like get in a bar fight or make out with some random stranger. Tell him that you're scared. Tell him that you're worried about him. If you don't tell him what is going on, he's never going to know. You and I both know that's your biggest problem with Spock. Usually you keep everything inside until I need to have you and Spock in my office beating each other with sticks to work things out. If you're not ready for that, maybe you can send him an email. You're good at saying exactly what you feel in an email.
I know he's worried about you. I just got a message from him.
Talk to your Spock and I will e-mail you back with a time for our deep space therapy session.
Considering he and Spock have much better communication via e-mail, he decided to give it a try. If nothing else, maybe if he gets it down on paper (metaphorically speaking) it will be easier to say out loud. Chances are his therapist will tell Spock exactly where he is and that confrontation will happen sooner rather than later.
Subject: I was really sure that we got to the point where I wouldn’t have to apologize for being an ass in an e-mail
Time written: 6/4/2259 23:10:54
Time sent:6/5/2259 00:00:01
I guess I should start with, ‘I am sorry for a lot of the stupid things I said in Chris's office.’ I wasn't angry at you. I was angry at the situation. I'm not upset about losing the ship.
Okay, I'm upset about losing the ship mostly because it confirmed my year-long theory that the Admiralty were really just waiting for me to fuck up and boy did I ever fuck up (by their standards anyway). The only reason why I'm not spending the rest of my career being retrained at the fabulous Starfleet Academy is because I listened to you when you told me not to lie about saving you.
It didn't even seem like they were that upset that I violated the Prime Directive, but rather that I violated it to save you. Apparently, the general consensus is that I am too emotionally compromised to work with my partner and therefore we are going to have to spend the rest of our careers away from each other. I'm really mad about losing you. I know that we are bonded for all eternity, but what's going to happen when you are light-years away from me? What if you meet some nice guy or girl, of some unknown species, and decide you are tired of dealing with this crazy human. I drive you crazy. Although, unlike my supposed doctor friend, I'm perfectly okay with you and Nyota having a really close relationship. Okay, I'm more okay with it now that I understand how things started between you two in the first place. That relationship doesn’t bother me, but the possibility of other relationships does.
I'm not worried about me being faithful. Even though my so-called best friend still thinks I’m a space slut, you know the only person I want to have sex with is you (unless we can talk Nyota into an ‘angry at my stupid/jealous ex revenge threesome’). There's this girl sitting next to me that keeps flirting with me and I can only think about you.
It's not that I don't trust you, because you are the only person that I really trust. I'm worried that you are going to leave me. I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm afraid that you will realize I'm not worth it. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone that can actually tell you this in person instead of having to write it all in an email because he's too fucking terrified to tell you anything in person.
I mean, you know how fucked up I really am. There's a reason why I spent literally more than a decade in therapy. I'm not even on speaking terms with my mother and I'm probably not going to be on speaking terms with my brother either, because I just remembered I bailed on dinner tonight with you and Kevin*.
Okay, that's something else I probably should apologize for.
So how did the ‘meeting my little brother’ thing go? I know you guys have talked a few times via deep space instant messenger, but this is different.
Okay, that tangent was me avoiding writing about the real reason why I'm scared of you being on another ship. I'm afraid of losing you and I don't mean to another person, but rather to death itself. You almost died in that volcano and you actually expected me to just let it happen? I don't give a fuck about stupid Starfleet regulations. I love you. You're the only thing I care about. What's going to happen with your new captain? You don't have a good sense of self-preservation. You got kidnapped and you didn't even tell me about it. I need to know that you're safe. I don't think I could handle it if you died because I was not around to prevent it. I know I couldn't handle it. I was a fucking mess when Sam died.
I keep having this dream, at least I think it's a dream, I don't really know because we’re older than what we are now. You're trapped inside the warp core, or at least I think you are. It doesn't really look like ours. I think you just did something really stupid, because I'm watching you die in front of me. I can't get to you because there is this fucking glass in the way. I can't save you. I can't do anything but watch.
Don't ask me to watch you die for the greater good because I can't do it. I don't give a fuck about everyone else and maybe that makes me a bad captain, but that doesn't matter anymore because I'm no longer a captain. I would do anything to make sure that you live a long and happy life. I would lose Enterprise a thousand times if it meant keeping you safe. I am so scared. I need you.
Pike just walked into the bar and he's giving me his 'I am so disappointed in you' look. I've been getting that a lot lately. I have to go.
Jim quickly saved the message. He decided that maybe it would be best if Spock didn't see this until after midnight. He probably should get something with chocolate in it before he came home, because groveling with gifts will be in order.
Of course, he never did get to stop for that apology chocolate because, after Pike called him out for acting like a cocky asshole when it's obvious that was just a façade and then proceeded to give him the ultimate pep talk, they were called in due to somebody blowing something up in London. He barely had time for a quick ‘I'm still annoyed at you’ kiss with Spock in the elevator before everything really did go to hell.
To be continued.
Bonus feature: for those of you who did not read the trailer for Dear James at the end of Dear Spock on FF.net here is Spock’s email to Dr. Suarez and her response.
Subject: I am concerned about James and I am uncomfortable speaking about this with your replacement Dr. Cruz.
Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:42:01
I apologize for not writing you sooner but several things have happened since the ship was forced to leave the Vulcan colony early due to the situation on Nibiru and communication has not been possible. The mission was a success in the sense that we were able to preserve the inhabitants. However, we were not able to do so without violating multiple Starfleet regulations including the prime directive. We had no choice but to be completely honest in regards to what happened due to the presence of your replacement, Dr. Cruz. Because of this and the doctor’s assessment of our partnership, it was deemed that James and I can no longer serve together on the same ship. I am being reassigned to the Bradbury. James has been demoted to the rank of commander and will be serving as first officer on Enterprise under Adm. Pike. Obviously, neither of us is pleased with this situation.
After an altercation in Adm. Pike’s office, where both of us said things that were inappropriate, James disappeared, leaving me to entertain his brother for the evening. I am certain he is at the drinking establishment three blocks away from our temporary lodging. I do not believe he wishes to speak with me right now. However, I believe that he would be willing to speak to you. It is imperative that you talk to him right away before he does something self-destructive.
Subject: We really do need to talk but not in an e-mail
Time sent: 6/4/2259 22:59:55
He is not the only one that needs to talk to me. I just read a very interesting e-mail from James. We are so scheduling a conference call, because you sacrificing yourself for the 'greater good' is still suicidal behavior. I really thought you had moved past that. Barring Federation Catastrophe, I expect you and your Jim to be on my screen tomorrow at 9 AM your time.
In the meantime, talk to (or e-mail) your fiancé. He is just as worried about you as you are about him.