Happy New Year, Spock.
I thought I'd lost you forever on the day you left. I was angry. I was hurt. I wouldn't admit to anyone that I cried alone in bed, on the night when I finally realized you'd meant it, you were leaving me for good.
When I called Amanda that day, her eyes were filled with compassion, but she was firm. "He's left me," I told her, too lost for pride.
"I know," she said. "But, Jim, you must have hurt him very badly. He's shut us all out. I may never see my son again."
"If there's anything I can do..." I couldn't finish the thought. Even with the lag time, it was so hard to speak. After a few seconds her words caught up to me, as she signed off. She'd told me it was no use.
And I was a coward. I wanted to go to where you were, pound on the gate, demand they let me in, but I did none of those things. I stayed on Earth. I went back to the office. I came home to emptiness. And finally, I married Lori. Just a one year contract. I thought it would give you the excuse you needed. I thought it would excise the bond. I thought I could love Lori. I thought I could replace you.
How could I, Spock? You were the moon to my world. You were my comfort. You were my other half. When I lost you--when I threw you away--I was so much less than I'd ever been. I was so angry at you. I railed. I tried to shut you out. How could you leave me? It wasn't until I knew you were gone that I knew I had left you, the day I accepted what Nogura did to us.
And Spock, I had never been more wrong in my life the day I did not listen to you. I was so stubborn. I thought you were stubborn, but Spock, I was the one who wouldn't listen. I was the one who pushed you away. Gods know you tried to talk to me.
And now, by some miracle, I've got you back. I won't make that mistake again, Spock. I won't throw away the miracle that's you. My God, Spock, if you only knew how grateful I am to have you here by me again. And soon, I'm going to meet that new protege of yours. Saavik, you said? I look forward to it, Spock. In the meantime, I'm just going to drink in the wonder of having you back with me. Happy New Year, my love. I don't ever want to lose you again. Lose us again.
"Are you really here with me? I haven't dreampt you?"
"No, my love."
*contented sigh* "Jim? Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year, love."