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Story Notes:
It's my first story. I published it in June here in german - my native language.
Now in english. With very much thanks to Cyberrat. She took her little time and translated it. I'm so greatful to you, Cyberrat. :-)
The Circle of Life by Sera, translated by Cyberrat



Uhura was speechless.
There this old, chubby man was, declaring himself to be James Kirk. From the future. (McCoy’s investigations actually proofed it!)
And that he would search for Spock. The old one.
And now it had happened.
Ambassador Spock had come back to the Enterprise as fast as he could.
Jim Kirk (her Captain), Spock (HER Spock) and the old guy were in the transporter room and Ambassador Spock was beamed on board.

As soon as the Ambassador materialised on the platform of one of the transporters, the young, clever Captain ran towards the old Vulcan, greeting him in his jovial, happy way. Other times their greeting would have been more heartfelt – as heartfelt as the Vulcan could get, at least – a little twitch in the corners of his mouth and a shine to his eyes...

Now, though, the Ambassador had no glance to spare for the winning smile of the young man. He only saw one person: James T. Kirk, his lifepartner – no, his second half. Already lost for over 80 years.
80 years of longing. Cureless longing for the one who had loved him without condition, accepted him, let him be himself.

The mental connection that had bound them together since their union and lay in a coma for more than 80 years, awoke with a vengeance. So overwhelming that Spock sank to his knees and gasped for air. There was no doubt as to the identity of the man in front of him. Only he could manage that.

Spock was absolutely unable to say anything. To move. The only movement on his person were the tears – the unshed tears he had closed away inside himself for 80 years. And what did his Jim do? He sank to his knees in front of him, just far away enough so they were not touching. And Jim looked at him, knowing, full of sadness for lost time, the pain his being lost had caused the being he loved.

The young people stood around, looking unhappily at one another. It took only a nod from the Captain and they left the transporter room in order to grant the two old men their space.

.oOo.

“Shit, what’s going on?” Jim Kirk simply had to vent his inner tension and stared in front of himself. As it appeared, Nyota seemed just as torn. “I don’t understand. He cried because of him! And you, you don’t even manage to smile at me!”
Spock could not understand in the least why Nyota was angry with him. “Vulcans don’t smile!”
“Ha! And they don’t cry either! And why does the Ambassador do it then? For two years I’ve been waiting for some move from you – any sign! But no! The Mister is a Vulcan! They don’t do these things!” Nyota got louder and louder.
This, now, Spock wanted to comment on even less, so he remained silent. The only movement in his face was the raising of one eyebrow.
That made the young woman not really happier. She glared at her boyfriend and marched as fast as she could out of the turbolift, going towards her quarters without a glance backwards.

Only the Captain and Spock remained. Jim got embarrassed. “My counterpart seems to really mean a lot to your counterpart!”
This, too, Spock preferred to not comment upon. With his typical little movement of the head, that looked like a little greeting, the First Officer bid a farewell to his Captain and wished a good night.

.oOo.

Jim immediately went to his Quarters. There still was the game of 3D chess on his desk he had played yesterday with Spock. Lost again. Jim grinned internally.

Then he got serious.
What he had seen in the transporter room – the longing, the love the gaze from his old counterpart had spoken off, deep in his person he knew – he too felt it for his First Officer. Everything in him longed to tell Spock what he felt for him. The past one and a half years, these feelings had only grown.

In the beginning he had not really known what he felt for Spock. He merely felt really good in his presence. He never felt the pressure to impress the other one.

And Jim had the feeling to impress the whole universe – as the youngest Captain of the fleet, directly from the Academy onto the Captain’s chair.

To be with Spock was so easy, so natural. As if they had known each other for a lifetime. Sometimes it seemed like Spock knew ahead of his time what Jim was going to ask.
When Jim came up with ideas it often happened that Spock did not have to ask long and winded what he meant, but went with the idea in order to make the solution better – together. That was it. Each of the two was good – but together, they were better.

After a while Jim even had started dreaming of Spock. Very intense and arousing. But that could not be. Spock was with Uhura. Jim Kirk had done a lot in his life already – good things and less-than-good things – but breaking a relationship did not tally in that score. That was against his understanding of a relationship.

Not that he ever had had a serious relationship. He himself had never understood why it had not gone on longer than a few weeks, but now he knew it: never had there been one who had complemented his own being as perfect as Spock did.

Jim sighed. What were the two old guys up to, right now?
“Computer: localize Spock and James T. Kirk.”

“Error: There are two locations for both individuals.”

“Computer: Tell me both locations!”

“Commander Spock is in his quarters and the transporter room. Captain Kirk is in his quarters and the transporter room.”

Interesting! What were the two doing in the transporter room? Jim Kirk was very curious as to what the two old guys were doing.

.oOo.

Spock’s first destination upon entering his quarters had been his meditation niche.

He forced his thoughts to flow into one direction and exclude all annoying side streams. Without success. His thoughts were circling around themselves. For one thing, he was bothered with what he had seen between his own counterpart and the old Jim Kirk; and for the other, he simply could not let go of the accusations by Nyota.
He felt guilty. She was right. It had always been her to instigate touches – sometimes even forced them.
As Vulcan had gotten destroyed – he had been so confused; all his shields shattered and collapsed like a card house. And she had been unable to think about anything else than kissing him.
Those human gestures did nothing for him. He had accommodated her because he had felt her need – but it had not been his need.
And so there had been even more instances in which he had accommodated her.

But it felt wrong. Spock was out of his depths. He thought high of Uhura and marvelled at her determination and talent at languages; her love for music. But he did not feel like she really understood him.

In counterpoint, he still had very clear imprint of the happenings in the transporter room in front of his eyes.
Acceptance. Patience. Love. Sorrow. Sorrow.

And now Spock knew what he had been searching for in his life all along.

.oOo.

Nyota walked angry around her quarters.
If it had been possible to smash doors angrily on the Enterprise, everyone would have heard this one on the floor.
So there was nothing left for her to do but strain the carpet in her quarters and curse more or less silently.

“That old bastard! How can he. Why did he have to arrive on the Enterprise of all places and disturb everything?” An angry cry reverberated throughout her room. “That bastard! And Spock! That coward! He had nothing to say! Am I stupid, or what?
What’s that about? That ugly, fat, old man appears and what does the old Spock do – he cries... And MY Spock doesn’t even manage to kiss me!
I always have to start, I always have to take the initiative in order for something to happen! How many years do I have to wait?” Again, she cried out angrily and shrilly. “What does Spock want? The fewest people can say we’re a couple – the way we present ourselves in public. And even in our quarters he barely lets himself being touched by me!”

Another round with angry, hard steps over the carpet.
Suddenly she stopped – she had gotten an idea.

What were the two old guys up to? Who knows, maybe everything was absolutely harmless and the leaden fear that had gripped her at watching the kneeling old men, had been meaningless.... Those two had nothing to do with her relationship, after all.

Chances were, the two sat in one of the leisure rooms, playing 3D chess and chatting over the past.
Gotten curious, she asked the computer about the position of Kirk and Spock.

The two were still in the transporter room.
What were they doing?
She had to know and asked the computer to place the feed of the surveillance camera of the transporter room onto her PC.

Nyota was speechless: the two were actually still kneeling in front of another just like they had an hour ago.
Kirk with that famous grin of his on his face. There was a look in his eyes that went straight into Nyota’s guts. There was everything in that gaze that she had ever wanted from Spock. He did not have to laugh with her or cry... but this loving gaze, this endless patience, this unquestionable devotion that his gaze radiated – that was what she had always wanted for herself – and had never gotten.
The old Spock, too, was still kneeling on the floor, his gaze directed to the ground.

Slowly, the head of the old guy raised itself. His gaze landed on Jim Kirk. And everything was there. He reciprocated what was shone his way. And with a soft movement he leaned forwards until his forehead touched the forehead of the old Kirk.
Now they knelt forehead to forehead in front of one another.

Uhura was nearly certain that she could see a shimmering surrounding the two.

Spock raised his head a little and his lips touched the lips of his soul partner. He reciprocated gently and with increasing urgency the intimate touches. Both became more sensual. They separated themselves shortly in order to assist one another in getting up, before they resumed their kissing.

Finally, they separated. Spock lowered his head into the crook of the neck of the old Jim. He embraced his partner and gently swayed him back and forth. Spock’s shoulders were jerking.

Uhura could not get a grip on it. Spock was lying in Kirk’s arms crying...
What – what was it about Kirk that Spock could let himself go like that?
And then she remembered the gaze with which Kirk had stared at Spock.
And the knowledge finally sank in.

When had she ever afforded the patience to wait until Spock took the initiative? Never – already after a few minutes of intimacy she had become impatient and showered Spock in affection that he barely endured.
When had she ever accepted Spock the way he was?

Never – she always wanted more of him than he could give.
Uhura became sad.
She realized that she had never really understood Spock. She had felt marvellous after she had granted him reprieve with an embrace and a kiss after the death of his mother. And now she had to realize that had not been what Spock had needed. She had needed it.

What did Spock need?
She did not know. She did not know!
She startled.

In that moment of honesty she realized that it had never really been about Spock.
Her pride had been preening in the knowledge that she had managed to catch a Vulcan – how envious all had been. She always had pulled him down to her. She never had had the patience to let him come.

And now she had to realize that she had merely been chasing an idea – and never really had been ready to learn of the real Spock.
She began to cry.

And she realized that she would never really love the real Spock, as well. He was not like she wanted him to be – and would never be like it.
Mute an with red rimmed eyes, she shut the computer off.
The last picture she had witnessed, had burned itself deeply into her memory. Two old men – who were without a doubt everything for one another; just the way they were.

With determination, she exited her quarters.

.oOo.

Spock heard the buzzer. Who wanted to get to him at this hour?
Uhura? The Captain?
Spock was not sure whether he wanted to see them.

Spock gave the short order and the door to his quarters slid open.
It was indeed Uhura who entered.
She had been crying.
Spock got a little stiffer. He braced himself internally against a new verbal onslaught.

But nothing was happening.

Nyota raised her head and simply stared sadly directly into his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Spock was dumbfounded.
“I’m sorry that I’m not what you need. I’m sorry that I’m only seeing it now. I’m sorry that I can’t let you be the way you are.
I’m setting you free. You need something else. Maybe it’s our Captain, maybe something wholly different. But it is not me.” She looked at him with red rimmed eyes.

Spock nodded slowly.
“I understand what you’re trying to say. I’m afraid you are right. I always thought very highly of you, but that is not what you need...”
Spock hesitated for a moment. He searched for words. For words that did not sound too cold for her and yet expressed what he wanted to say – what logic dictated him.
He did not find them.

But Nyota seemed to understand him nevertheless. She smiled sadly at him. “I want someone for you who looks at you just like the old Kirk looked at your old counterpart.”
She nodded at him and turned to go. Just before she left she heard him whisper, “Thank you.”

.oOo.

Jim Kirk – the young one – was as nervous as he could get.
He had just shut off his computer because he could not bear to watch any longer.

Full of energy, he walked laps in his quarters. What was he supposed to do?
Spock was with Uhura and he had no chance whatsoever.
He was despairing. But what he had witnessed between the two old men in the transporter room – he so desperately wanted it for himself...

Tears welled up. Angrily, he rubbed his eyes; no, a Kirk did not cry! Not because of a man!
The buzzer went off.
Who was it?
He took a deep breath and swallowed his desperation. “Come in!”

Jim could not believe it. Spock came in.

Jim cleared his throat. “Well, Mr. Spock, what’s the occasion? Another game of chess?” His famous grin was a pitiful attempt at best.

Spock just looked silently at him. As if he was searching for something. Whatever it was, he seemed to find it.

“Nyota has terminated our relationship.”

Suddenly Jim felt a lot lighter, just to feel burdened once again the net second. That did not mean Spock wanted to be with him...

Spock took a deep breath.
“I want to ask you something, Sir.”
“Always!”

Spock stared at a point somewhere behind Jim and seemed to collect himself.
“In the transporter room...” It did not happen often that Spock did not manage to end a sentence.
“...well... there... I seem to have witnessed something between our counterparts, well... I was asking myself... could that be happening between us as well?” Spock looked like he wanted to bolt as fast as possible – and yet as if every hope, every desire was dependent on Jim.

Now there really were tears in Jim’s eyes.
“Spock... I...” he could not keep talking.
He looked Spock in the eyes and walked towards him.
Spock, too, stepped closer.
When they stood in front of another at long last, they bowed their heads until their foreheads touched one another. The touch was soft, their eyes closed.

Until Spock raised his head in order to meet Jim’s lips for a first kiss: gently, light, full of love that neither of them could grasp.

There seemed to be a glittering around the two of them.

The circle closed itself.

What was going to be was beginning now.

.oOo.

End
Chapter End Notes:
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