Doctor Leonard McCoy was just getting a little rest and enjoyed being alone after his Katra was back in Spock's head, when he heard a knock on his door. The Vulcans had given each of them a little room while they were staying on Vulcan.
"Come in." he said and was a little surprised that it was Amanda who had knocked on his door.
"Doctor. Can I ask you a few questions?" she smiled at him and he was beginning to like her.
"Of course. What's on your mind?" McCoy answered.
"I have been thinking about some things and I want to know your opinion about it." she answered.
"Okay. Let's hear it." McCoy answered and offered her a seat on the only chair in the room.
"What is going on between Spock and Admiral Kirk? They are close. I could see that after Spock had his Katra back. But how close are they?"
"Gee. I don't think even they know that. As far as I know they are friends and play chess together now and again." McCoy answered, wondering what she was getting at.
"Well, in my opinion two people came really close admitting their love for Spock. One was Sarek who admitted that his logic is insecure where his son is concerned. And the other was Captain Kirk when he talked to Sarek who thanked him for getting his son back."
"At great cost. I'm still not sure it was worth it." McCoy said thoughtfully, still wondering how his friend had managed not to get a mental breakdown after his son had died.
"Sarek said something similar. And do you know what the Captain said?" Amanda was looking at him now, as if waiting for a reaction.
"What did he say?" McCoy asked her.
"Jim said 'If I hadn't tried the cost would have been my soul.' And he didn't look like a man who regrets what he has done. he looked like he would do the very same thing again, when it is the thing that saves Spock." Amanda finally said.
"I'll be damned. He really did say that?" McCoy couldn't believe his ears. He always had suspicions that his best friend had a crush on Spock but he never thought that he would admit, or as good as, it openly. And not to Sarek of all people, anyway.
Amanda nodded: "He did. And I'm telling you this: Spock cares about Jim, too. Maybe more than he admits to himself. All they need is a little push in the right direction. Spock deserves to be happy and the Captain could just be the one to accomplish that. They work well together?"
"You could say that. The best command team in the fleet as far as I am informed." McCoy confirmed but he wasn't ready to play matchmaker, "But maybe we should wait playing matchmaker just yet. Maybe the push they needed has already taken place."
"You may be right. But don't expect Spock to do the first move. When it comes to feelings Vulcans are as helpless as a human child."
"Not that Jim's that good with feelings. I wouldn't bet on him making the first move."
Amanda stood up, said goodbye and left the room. McCoy sat down on his bed and thought about what she had said. Her suspicions made sense. Jim and Spock had always been close and had grown closer over the years. He would never forget the look on Spock's face when he saw Jim after their first stay on Vulcan. Spock had thought he had killed his friend. God knows what would have happened then if Nurse Chapel and he himself hadn't been there.
Jim sat on a rock as far away from other people as he could get. He needed some time for himself after all that had happened. His fight with Khan, then Spock had died, then he was alive again, his son had died and now they were all on Vulcan. Bones was back to normal but Spock wasn't.
"Jim? Are you alright?" someone asked.
He turned around and saw Spock standing there. His heart skipped a beat but he couldn't even admit to himself why that was the case.
"Spock? How long have you been standing there? Come, sit down. I just wanted to be alone for a while." he answered, knowing that for Spock he didn't have to be the strong Admiral who always knew what to do. With Spock he could be himself.
"You needed a break from being the strong one. Everyone has their breaking point, Jim. Even you." Spock answered and sat down next to him.
"I know where my breaking point is, Spock. It was when I saw you on the other side of that glass." Jim turned and looked Spock in the eyes. "I can't live without you."
Spock suddenly took his hand. Knowing about Spock's telepathic abilities he tried to shield his feelings for Spock, but without success, because suddenly Spock send him his own feelings.
"Spock?" was the only thing he was able to say, not daring to believe that the most important person in his life returned his feelings.
"Yes, I do return your feelings, Jim. I didn't know until now that you have feelings, too." Spock said softly.
Jim suddenly began to shake and slowly everything went blank. The last thing he saw was Spock's worried face as he was looking down on him.
"What happened now?" McCoy asked when Spock carried Jim into his room, after Jim had collapsed.
"I do not know. We were talking about.." Spock stopped, not knowing how to explain what had happened, but McCoy seemed to understand anyway.
"Finally! But I guess this was just a little too much for him. So much has happened the last few weeks and for Jim they were more emotional than for the rest of us. My guess is that your love confession, or whatever it was, was more than he could handle and all his blocked emotions caused a break down. It's the best thing that could have happened to him. I was wondering why it didn't happen sooner. A normal man would have had a break down the minute after his son died, but definitely after he blew up the ship he risked his life to save many times. He didn't weep at your funeral, nor when David died. And when he was going back to Genesis all he could think of was getting you back."
"Are you saying that he didn't show his emotions? I do not understand how his current cndition is helping him" Spock asked.
"Not the emotions he should have. Because as Admiral he had to be the one to make the decisions. And that he blew up the Enterprise to get rid of those damn Klingons didn't help matters much. It's not healthy for humans to suppress emotions, Spock. All we can do now is wait until he wakes up and then you'll have to deal with any emotional outburst you may get. And his current state is good for him, because his body shut down to release some stress. And he's been under stress for too long now. I don't think he has relaxed since he found you in that radiation chamber. You can bring him to his room and do whatever you want. But don't wake him up." McCoy was already pushing Spock, who still carried Jim in his arms, out of the door.
Spock brought Jim to his room and stayed there until Jim woke up. He looked around and wondered how he came into his room. Then his look fell on Spock, who seemed to be sleeping. And suddenly all that had happened before he passed out came back into his mind. "Did this really happen or did I dream it? I must have stayed too long in the sun." he muttered to himself. Spock heard him, of course.
"Jim, you are awake. It was not the sun which caused this. Doctor McCoy said it was because of suppressed emotions."
"I didn't have much time for that. After we were back on earth your father came to see me and was looking for your Katra. He thought I betrayed you.."
Spock grapped him and asked: "How did you convince him you didn't?"
"He melded with me. And then I realized you would have found a way and searched the videos and found out that Bones had your Katra. Everything went its way then. At first we had to get Bones out of jail and then we stole the Enterprise because no one was allowed to go to Genesis except a science vessel... with David on board. The rest you already know."
"You did all this to get me back?" Spock asked softly, still not letting go of his arms.
"Yes. And I succeeded, didn't I?"
"At what cost?" Spock asked.
"I'll tell you now the same thing I told your father when he thanked me for bringing you back: If I hadn't tried the cost would have been my soul. And between the two of us, Bones couldn't have lived long with your Katra either. I had to save both of you." Jim looked Spock in the eye and saw something there he had never seen before. But he couldn't put it into words. the only thing he knew at the moment was, that he felt as safe as he had never felt before. He felt like nothing could happen to him. Only Spock was able to make him feel that way. Suddenly he couldn't take it any longer and started crying and laughing at the same time.
"Jim! What is it?" Spock sounded a bit worried and took him into his arms.
"Nothing. It's just, I feel so safe, so happy, and when humans are very happy they can cry and laugh at the same time." Jim answered.
"That is not logical."
"Emotions rarely are. Stay with me, will you?" Jim answered and pulled the Vulcan closer.
Spock didn't say anything and lay beside Jim on his bed. There wasn't any needs for words. Even without the bond that linked minds of bondmates he had always been able to tell what Jim needed. And right now he needed someone to hold him, someone who didn't need him to be the Admiral who knew the answers to everything. He kissed Jim on his forehead and let him drift into sleep.