''My friends...We've come home!''
At the moment he had said it, Captain James T. Kirk had truly meant and felt it. Upon his first night alone in his quarters though, he wasn't so sure anymore. There was still something missing to really make this home again. Most pieces of the puzzle were there; he had his old senior crew assembled again and aboard their beloved Enterprise, even Spock, Spock, was with him! But he wasn't completely there with him, was he?
It was a bit like it used to be during their first five year mission, though more painful as he now knew what they could have, what they had shared. At least the mischievous twinkle that had always been in his eye was coming back. If he still missed a lot of references and jokes, he sometimes made some of his own, often playing with the concepts of emotions and what was human or not.
It's at those times Kirk wanted to launch himself at his bondmate as soon as he could get him out of everyone's view. Then, a cruel and sharp sting accentuated by the absence in his mind would hurt him as nothing else could, shoving him back to his present reality.
It had taken them so long to feel openly, to show it, to admit it, to live with it and in an instant it had all been taken away again. He might’ve gotten Spock back but he hadn’t gotten his bondmate back, not yet.
At least things were progressing, in a way. His memories were coming back, with some help. At first Kirk treaded carefully. He didn’t want to push, didn’t want to invade Spock’s privacy or scare him away, well, further away. So, he refrained from asking for mindmelds, for the moment. It came as quite a surprise when the Vulcan himself asked for one.
‘’The Doctor mentioned we had shared many in the past. It may help me remember more.’’, he had said matter-of-factly.
They had started slowly, just one once in a while. They tried to stay away from too personal or too emotionally intense memories, though Kirk didn’t really have control over which were being shared. He had always had trouble shielding himself from Spock. Sometimes they didn’t share memories at all, simply thoughts, letting their minds touch each other. Kirk’s emotion would carelessly flow to Spock, but never the other way around. It was always carefully blank on his side.
And then, suddenly, they started going deeper, as if Spock was growing more reckless, and Kirk should’ve been happy. Spock was learning more about what they’d shared but it only served to hurt him more. It was as if he was learning about a stranger’s story. He saw the memories, the emotions attached to them, but showed none of his own.
They never talked about it either, under any circumstances. Kirk opened his mind. Spock saw. That was all. There was nothing else. And it hurt, because there used to be so much more.
He was at a loss. On one side, there seemed to be progress, as in his general attitude towards everyone, but on the other, with him, with the mindmelds, it was as if they had hit a dead-end.
And then it all stopped, no more chess nights, no more mindmelds, no more nothing. Spock would do his shift on the bridge or in the labs and then confine himself to quarters until the next one.
Just as Kirk was getting worried, Dr. McCoy had him come to his office for a drink and to discuss their first officer.
‘’Jim, you should be able to recognized the signs by now.’’
‘’What?’’ He asked, his glass suspended in mid-air, in front of his mouth.
‘’Oh don’t play blind, just because you’re scared. Your cherished hobgoblin of a science officer is isolating himself again, avoiding you but also everyone else. If I were to order a physical, I bet you a bottle of Saurian Brandy he would refuse and tell me to leave him alone. He might even lose his temper were I to prod for information. Remind you of anything?’’
‘’You think…’’, he trailed off, ‘’No. It can’t be. It’s still too early.’’
‘’Because you keep a record of them?’’
‘’Of course I do.’’
‘’Oh, when will my sweet Vulcan be horny for me?’’, the doctor mocked-exclaimed.
‘’Yeah, don’t worry, I know all about how he can be even out of his time and how wonderful he is. Doctor and medical concern or not, you have such a big mouth, I’d know anyway.’’
At this, the Captain smirked. He did have an oversharing habit with Bones. It was born both out of the comfort he felt around him and the knowledge he would make him squirm and beg him to shut up. He was funny to annoy, and a true friend.
‘’Bones, what do I do if he really is though?’’, he asked worriedly, coming back to the initial topic.
‘’I’d say you have more than enough knowledge and experience to get by. If not, there are nice holovids you can rent on-‘’
‘’You know what I mean!’’ He sighed, then added ‘’It’s-We’re not like we used to be, since he came back.’’
Bones watched his friends expression carefully, the hurt visible there.
‘’You miss him don’t you?’’
A nod was what he got as acknowledgement.
‘’Haven’t you made any progress?’’
‘’No. I don’t know. He knows now, almost everything, but it’s like he doesn’t care. He won’t talk about it and doesn’t even react to it, in any way.’’
‘’Well, he’s never been the most loose-mouthed man on those issues. It’s always taken a lot to push him to react, and it seems to me you’ve often been the one to push. You know him Jim, probably more than he does himself. If you love him, even an ounce as much as you used to, you’ll need to go to him, as you did before and save him before he does something stupid. Now, I can get you both on medical leave in his quarters for as long as you need but, and I’m serious about this Jim, you need to comm me at least every 12 hours.’’
Kirk was stunned into silence at this man who seemed to always have the solution, and to be the voice of reason, and often also courage, when he himself felt so lost. Then as he opened his mouth, to protest or maybe question him, he was cut right away.
With newfound determination Kirk swallowed the rest of his Bourbon, burning his throat as it went down, and got to his feet. He took his leave from the Doctor and walked straight to Spock’s quarter, head up high, shoulders squared and mind blank, except for the task at hand: confronting Spock.
He had to use his captain’s override to unlock the door, bursting through it and finding himself in near complete darkness. Only a meditation lamp provided light, near the bed's end. Spock was lying on it, his shirt and boots off, sweat glistening the skin of his neck and face. His hands were steepled over his chin, and when Kirk took a few steps closer, he saw that they were trembling. He sat on the bed, bending over him and spoke his name softly.
The Vulcan suddenly grabbed his shoulders and maneuvered him on his back; pinning him under his weight.
Kirk froze, surprised and wide-eyed for a moment. It was the effect he had been hoping for, so he shouldn't have been, really, but he had though he'd need a lot more words to convince him. His surprise was made greater, as he was certain he had heard Spock groan over him.
"You are in Pon Farr", he said has he felt a prominent erection press into his thigh.
"Jim...You should not be here"
"On the contrary, I am exactly where I'm needed."
"Do not anger me. I find I am not in full control of myself"
"I know, that's why you're hiding, but you don't have to hide from me Spock. I've seen you like this before. I've helped you, been there for you. Don't you remember? We've done this before."
They had, multiple times. All of Spock's Pon Farr had been in Kirk's presence. The first one had been the hardest, as no one understood what was happening to their usually so controlled first officer. Even when they had thought everything was settled, they'd had to face it again, as grief was replaced by a new wave of hormones by an unsatisfied body. This one, Kirk still thinks, was the one that cost him Spock at the end of their first five year mission.
The following one had hit after V'ger, two years into their second five year mission and into a solid relationship. It had been easier, but still hard on Spock who was constantly afraid of what he would do to Kirk when out of control, of hurting his bondmate. He hadn't.
The third had been the most magical one. By then, they knew each other, knew how they acted under the hormones, knew the symptoms, knew what they liked. Even Bones knew his role better and was significantly less nervous for them, which helped a lot in buying them more them to just enjoy each other a bit.
And now, here they were again, having to go past invisible barriers, having to learn to let go, to trust each other blindly, once again, as if they'd never been through all that before.
Jim slid his hand to Spock's thigh, then to cup his groin.
''Jim, no!'', the Vulcan exclaimed, making Kirk retract to his outer thigh instantly.
''Then what do you need Spock? Tell me. And don't look so damn scared! You know I'd never do anything against your will, even if you're in Pon Farr. That was our agreement from the first time!''
He was getting agitated, frustrated, well more frustrated, was nearly screaming until he saw it, in Spock's eyes, the grief.
“Of course, I now realize you might not remember…”
“I apologize. I did not remember.”
“It’s not your fault…but please! You have to let me help you! What do you need? What do you want? Tell me.”, Kirk pleaded.
Spock considered him for a few seconds, then straightened his shoulders.
“Very well. I want you to stop using that word.”, he demanded.
“What? Pon Farr, you mean?”, he teased.
“Okay! Sorry, sorry…What else?”
“I do not know.”
“Do you want to meld?” he asked carefully, earning himself a fiercer than needed “No!” from Spock, who recovered just enough to keep anger at the edge of his voice and not clearly in it.
“I am not in full control of myself and do not know what I could do to your mind.”
“Alright. Then what?”
The Vulcan was silent, offering no help whatsoever but clearly needing some himself. His trembling had worsened, his skin was heated and taking on a green tint on his face, neck and upper chest. Sweat was spreading.
“Spock, come on! I know you! I know it’s hard but you need to trust me! We’ve done this before! The last time you didn’t even need to tell me. I saw it in your eyes, in your actions, the way you moved, the way you trembled, just like you’re trembling now! And maybe I should’ve noticed sooner this time, and I’m sorry, I am, but you seemed so far away and to want to stay this far! I was so lost. I still am. Please, help me. Let me help you. If it’s still me you want, just let me help, because I know I do.”
Maybe it was the tone of his voice, maybe it was the depth in his eyes, maybe it was the strength of his need to help, or maybe it was all of it, but something of Kirk’s pierced through Spock’s barriers and he nodded, once, almost unperceivably.
He rolled on his back, laying next to the Human, to whom he would release the control.
Kirk, once he caught back the breaths he hadn’t known he had stopped taking in, slowly snaked his way over his lover’s body, rubbing a gentle hand over his chest, his fingers running through the familiar hair there. He lowered his head for a tentative touch of lips on lips.
When he felt a large hand come rest on the small of his back and another on the plane of his shoulder, he whispered “There you go, just like that” before returning to a more confident kiss, as both hands squeezed him.
He moved again to settle his knees on either side of Spock’s thighs. He slid one hand along a shoulder, then down an arm until he could reach a hand. There, he slid his finger, grouped in two, from palm to finger tips and from finger tips to palm but found it didn’t have the desired effect, he used to be able to make Spock gasp or moan just from that, and brought it back to somewhere it could more easily do so.
He brought it between their bodies, gently rubbing Spock’s erection through his clothing, earning an approving whimper.
He undid the Vulcan’s trousers, slid his hand in, caressing his length once, before quickly taking his hand away to help him shed them completely, along with his underwear.
Being the only naked one did not seem to please Spock much as he sat up and tugged at Kirk’s shirt right away, almost not letting him unfasten it before pulling it off him. As soon as that was taken care of, he was on his next target, the uniform pants, leaving Kirk to wriggle his way out of his boots and socks, just in time for the rest of his clothing to slide down his legs and right to the floor.
When their bodies fully pressed against one another, it was Kirk who couldn’t hold back his moan. They slid against each other, and rubbed, and touched, and kissed, and scratched and rutted until they felt the edge flowing towards them. Then, Kirk grabbed Spock’s hand and brought it to his temple. Without first thinking, the Vulcan obeyed the silent command and joined their thoughts, their orgasm rushing out of them as their minds rushed in the other’s.
Their heartbeats slowed and they stayed there, in each other’s arms and minds. Their bodies, thoughts and pure essence of selves intertwined as they basked in the afterglow.
Jim woke to the feeling of his lover pressing up on top of him.
‘’Ready for another round, are you?’’, he croaked sleepily.
The sight that greeted him once he opened his eyes was all the answer he needed.
Spock’s skin was flushed and his pupils dilated and dark, giving a predatory look to his eyes, one that matched the way he moved and held himself. ‘’Jim’’, he purred, crawling over him.
He dipped his head slowly capturing the Captain’s lips between his, once, then twice, and slid his tongue between them, leisurely exploring his mouth.
No words were exchanged, and yet, to his great pleasure, Kirk knew precisely what the Vulcan desired. He sat up, pushing on his lover’s chest, and contortioned himself to grab his discarded pants on the floor, holding them for Spock to see and getting a small bottle* from one of the pockets. He, then, threw the pants back down and shook his prize under his partner’s gaze.
‘’Do you want me to do it or…?’’, he trailed.
‘’No, I will’’, he answered without a second of hesitation. It was firm but undeniably laced with pleasure and eagerness.
Kirk undid the lid and poured a generous amount in his hand, then, on and around Spock’s sensitive fingers and massaged them, before handing him the bottle. He lay back down, bringing his knees close and spreading them.
His lover mad a point of teasing hm, lightly dragging a single finger over his entrance, then up his balls and back down again.
“I thought you were “burning”?”, Kirk questioned.
“I am”, Spock assured, inserting his finger at once, drawing a gasp out of them both.
He slid it in and out, rotated it, until his lover was ready for a second, then a third, both moaning as much each time he added one or touched on a sensitive spot.
It was no secret between them how much he liked fingering him. There had been times when just this and the link had been enough to make them both come.
He inserted his cock slowly, inch by each and tried to hold still. Then, he started to move, ever so slowly, ever so rigidly, trying his best to reign in his passion, not wanting to hurt Jim, until the later informed him that “he wasn’t gonna break” and to ‘’just let go already, he can take it’’. Something passed through Spock’s eyes and everything after that was a storm of moans, groans, sounds of flesh slapping in and on flesh, as well as a cascade of whispered ‘’mine’’ from the Vulcan.
He came first, biting on Kirk’s collarbone but was soon followed in orgasm.
Bone did get his reports every few hours or so, even if he had to comm the first officer’s quarters himself to get the first one. Kirk had honestly just forgotten and had to deliver it at high speed before cutting it with an abrupt and highpiched ‘’gotta go’’. Bones didn’t ask. He didn’t need that kind of detail.
Kirk knew they would be able to go back to duty soon and almost didn’t want to. In the most selfish of ways, he didn’t really want this to end. Spock was moving in him, kissing his shoulder, caressing his thigh, simply taking his time.
“You worry.”, his voice said close to his ear, “You do not need to. I will not part from you. We are t’hyla and properly bonded again. All has been returned as it should.”
“Does that mean you remember? Everything?”
“No, but I do not need to. You have shown me enough. I might have lost a big part of my memories but my katra is the same, as is yours. We cannot change the fact that both belong together. You will have to remember for both of us, and tell me, all in good time, as it comes up to you.”
Spock gave a reassuring squeeze to his thigh and Kirk grabbed his hand to press a relieved kiss to it. They returned it together to its previous location and went on, in silence until Spock’s voice broke it again.
“You still have questions.”
“Just one. What took you so long? Didn’t you already know? At least, doubt it with the melds?”
‘’I could not be certain of what I saw. I could not be certain I was still the one I saw. Do you understand?’’
“I think, I do, in a way.”
Spock pushed a wave of love, lust, affection, friendship and trust all woven together through the link, the sheer force of which had Kirk momentarily forget his surroundings. He was drowned in them and their answering copies on his side. The Vulcan’s mind also found them easily and let himself swim in them.
The link felt unique, like nothing could feel. It was soothing, familiar, even when they’d been out of it for so long. It was home. They were home.